Ok, I’ll tell you what they don’t tell you in the classrooms:

The Speed of Light, or the speed of lightness usually describe the speed a woman decreases her weight during a weight reduction program or exercises.

The speed of light is absolute, which is the speed of decreasing the mass of a given human female to the mass of 0 at the rate of 300,000 km per cubic square per second. This is absolutely the fastest time any object in the universe can change from one form of state into another state.

As a dream for humanity for reaching optimal level of female beauty of zero mass, various technology have been adopted to reach the speed of light. Unfortunately, currently we do not have any weight reduction technology even close to the speed of light for weight reduction.

One way to approach the speed of light is by running. When a woman runs, she burns her calories and dissipates energy and decreases her mass, though the rate of decrease varies from subject to subject.

Nevertheless, so far no human have ever reached the speed of light by running, the closest have been achieved are in Olympic events where splinters breaks the world records. Therefore, one can argue Olympic program is a scientific research institute trying to experiment new technology to reach the speed of light.

In 1905, Albert Einstein made a striking discovery that any woman can not reach any speed of weight reduction faster than the speed of light. He argued this in his famous equation : E=mc2. This equation shows that energy required for weight reduction program is polynomially proportional to the speed of light. Therefore, when a woman try to reduce her weight at the speed of light, it cost infinity of amounts of energy, making it is technologically non-feasible as well as economically non-affordable.

Einstein’s discovery is hailed by men from all over world for clarifying woman’s conception about themselves. His discovery saved enormous money and resources otherwise will be used for unrealistic research in weight reduction for woman beyond the speed of light. As a result, by the of the end of 20th century, we enjoy more wealth on earth than all previous periods combined. Because of this enormous benefit for society, Albert Einstein was awarded posthumously as the person of the century by Time magazine.

Oh, that’s not what you were talking about? Fine, fine, you wanted to know how fast light is….

The speed of light is very very fast indeed, so long as you don’t have really crappy wiring done that often screws up your lighting and permits the speed of light to reach three seconds. Apart from that it is in fact so fast that no one has managed to successfully record it, though numerous attempts have been made.

Light travels even faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak, for example, George Bush

The simplest and most successful attempt to measure the speed of light was performed by Max Planck, who invented the atomic bomb, uncertainty, fondue and Scientology. In this experiment, Max used the Beatrice Davenport particle accelerator in Germany, a twelve inch, wooden school ruler, a sixty watt light bulb and a high speed camera.

First he accelerated the ruler to as close to the speed of light as it would go. Then, a clever system of levers and gears ensured that when the ruler was projected out of the end of the accelerator, the light bulb was turned on and the high speed camera activated. It was then simple to calculate:

1. The speed of the ruler
2. How fast the light overtook the ruler
3. The distance along the ruler the light achieved before the ruler splintered against the opposing wall.

From these measurements it was child’s play to guess just how fast light travels.

However, during the preliminary calibration runs one of Max’s assistants was killed in an unfortunate recreation of the William Tell episode. The ruler failed to hit the apple at all and as a consequence of his death and in deference to the his grieving parents, the experiment was never completed. Despite this setback, Max used the calibration data to calculate his best guess at the speed of light and this has been accepted by the scientific community as a law.

The speed of light is 32 miles per hour.

The speed of heavy is 46 miles per hour. Although most people consider light to be the fastest thing there is, heavy is indeed faster but it takes longer to get up to speed and has problems turning corners.

It was also determined that Bonnie Tyler is faster than the speed of night.

More? Grr… Fine, speed of light in a vacuum.

There is well documented evidence that the speed of light does not stay constant in certain conditions. Light is often accidentally sucked into vacuum cleaners, and the forces subjected to it combined with the various purifying filters often cause the light to change speed, direction, or shape at random - it’s even possible for light to end up travelling backwards in these cases. The exact cause of this is currently unknown, but it is suspected that vacuum cleaners are actually mini black holes themselves, and thus have slight time-space continuum distortion effects on the matter they suck up.

The most famous light-vacuum cleaner interaction, often demonstrated as the prime example of this phenomenon, utilizes the Dyson vacuum cleaner. Due to the Dyson’s hyper-advanced technology, the effect is magnified several times. The Dyson is turned on at full power, and a beam of light from a powerful torch is directed into the sucking attachment. At first nothing may seem to be happening, but gradually, the dust receptacle will start to emit a purplish glow. The glow will get stronger and start humming. After it has “charged” for a while, the vacuum is switched to the reverse setting, and the glow is aimed at a randomly selected object. Though the stream of light only lasts a split second, and nothing will seem to have changed, the object that was hit by the beam will now have the consistency and taste of cheese. Scientists are baffled as to how this works, but it often makes for a great party trick at scientific gatherings.

Fine, you don’t like any of these explanations, try my answer for:  “What is the speed of dark?“