A Smartass Education

Ok, so I am not recommending doing any of the following if you are looking to make friends with people.  Perhaps you will win some respect and admiration, but not new friends.  That being said, sometimes you are at a party and need to nock some prick down a peg or two, and so long as you don’t let it spill into your everyday life, being a smartass can be fun. Simply follow these rules:

DRINK LIQUOR

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on
the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you’re drinking some
health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you’ll hang back, afraid to display
your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several
large martinis, you’ll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy.
You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering searing
insights and possibly upsetting furniture.

People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

MAKE SHIT UP

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians
are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid,
and you’ll be damned if you’re going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off.
DON’T say: “I think Peruvians are underpaid.” Say instead:

“The average Peruvian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax
base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty
level.”

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too.
Say:

“This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon’s study for the Buford Commission
published on May 9, 1982. Didn’t you read it?” Say this in the same tone of
voice you would use to say, “You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom.”

USE MEANINGLESS BUT WEIGHTY-SOUNDING
WORDS AND PHRASES

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-à-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as “Q.E.D.”, “e.g.”,
and “i.e.” These are all short for “I speak Latin, and you don’t.”

Here’s how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say,”Peruvians
would like to order appetizers more often, but they don’t have enough money.”

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say:

“Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-à-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians,
they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have
enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.” Only a fool would challenge that statement.

USE SNAPPY AND IRRELEVANT
COMEBACKS

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your
opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

You’re begging the question.
You’re being defensive.
Don’t compare apples to oranges.
What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy
wonks) has the vaguest idea what “parameters” means.

Don’t forget the classic: YOU’RE SO LINEAR.

Here’s how to use your comebacks:

You say:	As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873…
Your opponent says:	Lincoln died in 1865.
You say:	You’re begging the question.
You say:	Liberians, like most Asians…
Your opponent says:	Liberia is in Africa.
You say:	You’re being defensive.

So that’s it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any
of this on people who generally carry weapons.