A Smartass Education

Ok so load a page with a bunch of images. Then go to the address bar and paste this in:

javascript:R=0; x1=.1; y1=.05; x2=.25; y2=.24; x3=1.6; y3=.24; x4=300;
y4=200; x5=300; y5=200; DI=document.getElementsByTagName("img");
DIL=DI.length; function A(){for(i=0; i-DIL; i++){DIS=DI[ i ].style;
DIS.position='absolute'; DIS.left=(Math.sin(R*x1+i*x2+x3)*x4+x5)+"px";
DIS.top=(Math.cos(R*y1+i*y2+y3)*y4+y5)+"px"}R++}setInterval('A()',5);
void(0);

It won’t move all images, but a lot of them will start floating around. Works on a majority of sites (though not well on my main page due to how I position them.

The best place I found this to work was on my own myspace profile in firefox. It’s cooler in firefox since I have all of the images hidden underneath my background. So with this trick it brought all the pictures of friends and junk in my comments up and made it float.

Try it. Go to: http://myspace.com/trimidum then paste above code into address bar and hit enter.

Today I just found the world’s greatest RMA process (Seagate if you are wondering). It took me absolutely no searching around and I was done in 2 minutes online without talking to anybody and it even printed me a label. I have NEVER seen something go so smoothly, so it got me thinking about all the other things that could be done better but typically aren’t. Things that we just accept as being crappy.

Below is a list of some of the things that could be easilly fixed just by a change of standards. Sorry if it gets a bit long. I will color the sections so you can just read about the ones that might annoy you.

"The Scene" and how they release files: Ok, I have been using torrents for years and have found no other viable option for multiple file distribution. However at this point (assuming you are in a country with good internet) speeds on the internet are SOOO fast that if I download a torrent with an avi file in it and I am impatient I can prioritize the order the pieces download in and watch it while it is downloading.

However if some stupid release group sticks that one avi file into a 30 part rar file; not only can I not watch it but I 1) run the risk that one of the rar files will be corrupt and the file will not extract and 2) I have to waste more space and time extracting those rar files. Then because of that I am VERY unlikely to keep seeding it, since those rar files are only wasting space on my already overcrowded hard drive.

Rars were a fantastic idea back in the late 90’s because it let us download things from websites using our dial-up modems. It WAS a fantastic way to do it. However now, it is totally worthless.

Next, if I download a driver, I want JUST the driver. People who are not computer savvy are not downloading their own drivers anyways, they are just calling their sons and asking them to fix the problem for them.

So if I download a driver for an HP Printer (notoriously aweful / slow driver install with tons of bloat), I want a zip file with JUST the essential driver files and no install file, and no extra software. I want my operating system to be able to just look in the folder and find the needed files and be done with it.

I do mobile pc repair and if I get called out to a customers house for a problem with their HP Printer, I have to advise them that even on their brand new computer it may take up to 2 hours to install their printer due to the retarded detection process and other crappy software that it forces you to install.

HP is not the only one at fault here, ATI and several other companies make lousy install files that are required to make a piece of hardware work.

Slow installs that install into multiple directories and register files all over the place and registry: Look, if I install any of the Adobe CS3 apps on a super fast computer it will still take me FOREVER to install the files. The reason being is they are trying to be "helpful" since you might run multiple adobe programs so it is making a "shared files" directory and then registring the components with windows so it knows that they are there.

This however is NOT helpful. I own over 6TB of hard drives, and while this may not (yet) be the standard, hard drive space is increasing and we no longer need to "share files" between programs.

If you were to make an install file and had every single file required to run the program install itself into one directory, then the program will open and run properly. So what if you install another program that needs the same dll file etc…

Most of the apps I use are "portable" and are kept on my keychain, so that when i go to fix a computer I do not have to install a bunch of crap on other people’s computers just to fix their problems. By centralizing every file that is needed in the program directory, installs would only take seconds and if somebody wanted to take the program with them they could. Ok, so it’s a paid for program and you don’t want them stealing it. No big deal, they paid for it if they move to another computer they will have to type in the license key again.

At the very least you should just change the install menu so that instead of having "typical and custom" installs, it should have "portable, typical and custom". This way if I want to have all the files shoved in one directory I can do so, and the rest of the ignorant people can install it the way you want them to.

RMA process: As I was saying earlier, Seagate has an amazing process. Somewhere along the lines they must of realized that they didn’t have enough customer service reps to talk to every single person who says their hard drive is broken. Sure, some of those drives are not bad but they give you a 5 year warranty so all you have to do is enter your serial number and it then tells you how long it is under warranty. You click next and it asks you if you want to return the product, and offers you expedited shipping for a fee as well as the option to upgrade your return. Declining any of these your return is free and it instantly spits out a label for you to print out with your return address and the RMA mailing info and then gives you a PDF as an optional read for properly packaging and shipping the item back and advises you that you will get a new drive or else it will be low level formatted.

Wow. It was so simple. I didn’t have to sit on a phone while some guy from India asks me stupid questions about what I have already done. It just says, send it back and we’ll send you a new one.

I recently used Intel’s RMA process as I was told it was simple. Takes awhile to find the part replacement area, but when you do you still have to call in and wait on hold. Then you have to go through 50 some steps that you have probably already done just so they will give you an RMA #. Now they did give me one, however they didn’t give me the address. They said they would email it to me with the instructions etc.. Well I never got that email. So I didn’t have the address to send it to. Now a couple weeks later when I got around to it I called back and got it (by having them fix the email address and re-send me the info again…).

This was rediculous. If my stuff is broken, send me a new one. Don’t even pay somebody to help me troubleshoot it. If it’s not broken, send it back to me. It’s still cheaper and better for your customers than having them sit on hold to talk to somebody who might not know anything beyond the policy manual.

Okay, next since I mentioned being on hold I thought that could change a bit too. No, I am not going to be unrealistic and think I can get away from a long hold. Instead I am going to be MORE realistic and say that if I want to talk to a real person I am willing to wait longer. So all I ask on this is that when I call I am presented with 3 options:

Press 0 to talk to a real person, however be advised that there will be very long hold.

Press 1 to go through our automated troubleshooting service.

Press 2 to leave a message, however be advised that it may take up to 24 hours for your call to be returned.

Press # to repeat your options or * to disconnect.

I actually have a giant blog post already just to help people to talk to a real human being. It gets a lot of traffic because people hate clicking buttons forever.

If we have to be on hold, then let us just sit on hold, and while we are doing it don’t have any interruptions for the music. Don’t care if it’s crappy music or not, just music and no "your call is important to us".

Then since I have taken the effort to wait on hold for 30 minutes, don’t you DARE disconnect me or dump me to voicemail. I don’t care how bad your queue #’s are for the day. I choose to wait, so let me wait.

Video On Demand. You are just doing it wrong. Look at my website as an example. People want video on demand, and they are willing to pay for it. However it just has to be in a really convenient form.

By this I mean that if I pay one on demand service like ps3 or apple tv to download a movie or a tv show, I want to then be able to copy that tv show onto my hard drive and move it to all the other gadgets I have. To do this the download needs to be in a standard format with no DRM garbage. I want a DivX or an H.264 file to download and I want them to be in a standard avi enclosure.

Music should be in an mp3 format. Yes, better compression like aac has come along since mp3, however it never became a standard and it cannot be played on every device I already own, so i want it in mp3 format.

If you are not going to give people content in these formats, then a good number of those people will pirate the media. It’s not because they want to be "bad people". It’s because you are so paranoid that if you give them a nice easy to use format, then they will use some other service/player. Or they will turn around and distribute the media they purchased since it doesn’t have protection in it.

Well that’s going to happen no matter what format the media is in. However it’s just like somebody breaking into your car. Not everybody is going to do it, but eventually it’s bound to happen.

I’m sure I will think of more things like this, but for now if I write any more you will loose your attention span and stop reading it.