A Smartass Education

IVR : Tell me, — , why did you agree to this interview – Doesn’t that go against your image?

SH : Yes. But I do not strive to maintain an image. I agreed to talk to you, because no matter how you portray me in the end, whether as a sage or a madman, someone will finally heed the shadows call because of my words. That is why I speak.

IVR : The shadows call? What does that mean?

SH : The shadows call is a term I use for the realization of a warrior destiny. Some feel it already… your so-called dojos are filled with people seeking a martial way. They can never find it there, for even those places are rooted in following what is considered acceptable. When one comes face to face with their true art, and realizes their destiny, that is the shadows call. To heed the shadows call, however, it takes a true warrior, so those without pure intention will fail.

IVR : You speak as though many have this `warriors destiny’, although the kind of activity someone like you engages in and teaches, is considered dangerous and sometimes unlawful by the rest of society. Why should one choose to defy both society and the law?

SH : Men change their minds, and over time they change their laws. Nothing in government controlled society is ever the same for long. Once this nation banned the drinking of alcohol, and once its law allowed a man to kill another man in the street with “proper cause”. Those laws are now reversed, as are many others. If you think on it, you will know what I say is true. To embark on a true warrior path, one must be willing to be though of as a fool, in order to better himself. It has been the same for many ages… `society’ as you call it, will shun us in time of peace, and run to us in time of chaos and destruction.

IVR : Why do think that is ?

SH : We order are daily lives in chaos and destruction. We are not content to be comfortable. When others are shaken by the loss of normality, we are not affected. They have wasted their time in achieving worthless self goals, while we exist in the harsh reality to come.

IVR : So you believe that all things end in war and destruction ?

SH : Not necessarily war and destruction. But all things do end in chaos. It is written in the very laws of nature. Our lives are ordered by the laws of nature and no other. We change with the seasons, whether winter to summer, or sunshine to storm, but we do not change with the whims of men.

IVR : I see… So what can the average person do to embrace what he feels is a `warrior destiny’ ?

SH : It is very simple… stop being average. Average is what the people around him dictate he should be. When he ceases to care, and seeks out his teacher with a pure heart, he will find his destiny. Many are incapable of this, because they could never leave their normal.

IVR : Do you believe everyone could be like you, if they struck out on this warriors quest?

SH : No. Only a few are capable of living the life of a Shinobi warrior. But one does not need to be a Shinobi , to follow his true path. The path of truth is sometimes dangerous, so some must be the light, and others the shadows. Some are destined to change the way others think, and some are destined to follow. I was destined to follow no one. Some cannot survive that way. The warriors quest is about fulfillment of your purpose and finding truth, for enough men waste their lives on petty things.

IVR : A lot of people consider the life you lead exciting. How would you reply to that.

SH : Those who seek excitement are either children or fools. A thirst for excitement is based in a basic lack of control, and has no place in my life, nor any other warriors. We are born into this life to seek a good place to die. That is all.

IVR : That’s a very dismal outlook… What about all the places you’ve been in your career as an instructor, and all the things you’ve seen?

SH : I have seen many lands, and many people, yet they are all the same. One piece of earth is the same as another. Every person is unique, and everyone is the same. Many will find that there is no purpose, and fear of that is what keeps them from asking the questions about their existence that they must.

IVR : But haven’t you seen some amazing things in your travels, out of all the wonderful sights the world has to offer?

SH : I have seen Spring and Winter, birth and death, cold and heat, darkness and light… And I have come to know it all the same. Spring dawns and fades to winter, the young are born to fade toward death, and the light blinds as deeply as the darkness. That is why I say, we are born to seek a good place to die. The cycle will begin anew, all things moving toward the final end. This is the reality that none wish to speak of. Each needs to believe that somehow he can make or has made a difference. The truth is, all things are transient and fading. I have devoted my life to seeking truth, and to passing on the spirit of the Shinobi in the generations to come. If our way is forgotten, the balance will tip to chaos, for their cannot be light without the darkness. In order to find true purpose, one must follow their destiny, whatever it may be, for that is their chance to fulfill their highest calling.

IVR : Thank you very much, –. I hope you will speak to us again soon.
Article Author: Don’t Know
Source: My Hard Drive

I published this in my blog back in 2005, but I find that it still works, and nobody is going to dig through my blog to find it, so here it is again.

Are you tired of being on an elevator and someone else gets on every floor you go down through? Well I was also, until I found out you could skip the floors that people would like to get on at. This works best in big office buildings with 30 floors and it sometimes takes like 15 minutes to get to floor 1.

Okay, the only thing you need to do is press down the close door button, and the floor you would like to go to at the same time.

Then it should skip all the floors that people want to get on and go straight to your floor that you would like to get off on. This can also piss some people off I would imagine. This trick has also worked on all the office elevators I have tried so far.

Elevators I can verify that it has worked on:
• Otis Elevators
• Dover Elevators
• And (Most) Desert Elevators

Yep Yep, Good Times

Article Author: The Smartass
Source: Born Smartass (my blog)

If you live in any city or busy town, you probably get jacked quite often for an expired meter. In my city those parking enforcement bastards are writing you up seconds after the meter expires. And how about all the money in quarters you dish out? I bet if you added it all up you could feed a small country….those bastards are taking the food out of poor babies mouths!

Well, here is a handy way to never have to pay the parking meter and park scott-free for hours. You will get really good at this and you will never put another quarter in the meter again…(except of course when your mother is with you)

FYI: This does NOT work on the newer digital meters. (I’m working on that)

1) take a business card (or any semi-thick paper): tear 1″ off of the end and 1/2″ off of the bottom (you should have a rectangular piece of card measuring about 2-1/2 x 1-1/2 now) if you have a matchbook: open it up and tear off the cover ane half of the back (that should leave you with a 1-1/2″ x 2-1/2″ rectangle as well) Any piece of semi-thick paper can be torn into these dimentions. (the envelope from a parking ticket works well too!)

2) fold the paper in half lenghth-wise and then fold it in half length-wise again. You will now have a pretty thick peice of card now measuring about 2-1/2 inches by 1/4 inch.

3) walk up to the meter (don’t get nervous nobody pays any attention to someone putting change in their meter, silly) and insert the folded card into the quarter slot until the paper stops. It’’s best that the card is thick and takes a little effort going into the slot. As soon as the card is about half-way in the slot, turn the crank on the meter all the way (this will take a little effort). Turning the crank will pull the card into the slot further. Turn the crank all the way until the yellow “violation” sign appears at the top and sticks. Do not try and turn the crank back in the other direction as this may kick up the red sign (ticket). The point is to jam the meter into it’s “broken” position which is the yellow “voilation” sign. When the violation sign is up THEY CANNOT TICKET YOU. You can stay there indefinantely if they don’t chalk you…If they chalk you (and this is VERY rare) you get about 2 hours (depending on the meter zone ie: 2 hour max etc.)

4) tear off any ends of card that may still be protruding from the quarter slot. (if you’re really socially concious you can leave it sticking out, then when you return you can pull out the entire card and the meter will be as good as new….but I wouldn’t reccomend this as sometimes the metermaid will pull it out herself and then another one will come by later an give you a ticket)

5) test the crank and make sure it’s jammed well…If you done it right the crank will be so jammed that you can’t even turn it back)

6) go on your merry way and rejoice in the knowlege that you saved another dollar toward the starving children’s fund.

Remember: when the yellow “violation” sign is up on the meter you are fine. This just means that the meter is broken and you have immunity from tickets when you’re at a broken meter. After a while you will do this without even thinking about it. Remenber to keep plenty of cards or matches in your car.

Note: just in case the metermaids try to crack down on this meter-terrorism, don’t have your goddam name on the cards or papers you’re inserting into the meter.

Again, once you get the hang of it this system is flawless and I really don’t think the metermaids care that much either since they can easily pull the paper out when they open up the meter to collect the change.

——

If this is too much for you (and I am not actually encouraging you to do the above) then I can tell you something else. Meter’s are only monitored for so many hours in a day, most of them are not monitored after 6pm. They all tell you on the back of the meter when they stop monitoring. This simple fact a LOT of people miss, so there are always metered spots open at night.
Original Author: Don’t Know
Source: Some guy who hates parking tickets

eBay loophole– there is an easy / shady way to win any eBay auction for almost no money. I just had it happen to me, and I’m very unhappy with the results of my lost time, and eBay charging me fees that I now have to try and get retracted. While in my case, I had a reserve, many auctions out there do not, and eBay encourages no reserve with their ‘hot item’ section. To make matters worse, if you start your item off at a reasonable price, you’ll get very few bids, and thus less people watching it during the final minutes of the auction.

Normally, on eBay, the process works like this:

You place a max bid for the item. Say the item is an antique vase. You like it, think its worth $100. Bidding opens at $2. You place a bid of $100. eBay gives you the opening bid at $2. You are protected up to $100.

Another bidder. Bidder 2 comes along and he wants the vase for $50., so he bids that amount. Bidder 1 is still the high bidder, at $55 ($50 + $5 increment). So Bidder 2 comes back and bids again, this time at $105. Viola! Bidder 2 is now winning at $105 (he met your high bid of $100 + the $5 increment.

More bids. Bidder 3 thinks the vase is worth $125, and bids that amount. He becomes high bidder with a price of $110. Bidder 4 thinks the vase is worth $130, and becomes high bidder posting that amount. The auction continues in this way until the end. Usually, in the last minutes, the bidding gets very heated, and the vase may end up selling for $600., which is close to what your local antique shop might charge.

This is how the scam works:

Same vase, opens at $2. Only this time, Bidder 1 bids $1000. The opening bid still shows only $2. He immediately follows with a false identity Bidder 2, at $990. Bidder 1 becomes high bidder at $995. Since this is more than you can get a similar product locally, and in a price range the average user is not going to spend lightly, there are no other bidders.

Scam complete. 15 seconds before the auction ends, Bidder 2 rescinds his bid, the “high” price drops back to the opening bid of $2, and Bidder 1 wins at that amount. Unless the seller has a substantial reserve to protect his investment (which is discouraged by eBay) he will be obligated to sell the vase for $2. If he does have a reserve, he doesn’t have to sell, but he still owes eBay posting fees and the auction was a waste for him. For those of you who will say that the seller is not obligated to sell — two things:

Seller must first be aware he was scammed and seller will likely end up getting neg feedback from scammer if he does not sell!
Article Author: Jason
Source: Totse

Confused? If so this post is not for you, but if you are a site/layout designer than perhaps you will find this very helpful.

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Article Author: The Smartass
Source: Lipsum

I was going to write an addendum to this and call it unofficial volume 3, as it’s missing such classics as The Angry Pirate, but for now enjoy volumes 1 and 2, and please remember, this is just for humor, don’t try any of this with your girlfriend or you will get a black eye or worse…

The Degenerate Dictionary – Volume I

1. Hot Lunch – While receiving head from a woman, (her, on her back, you straddle her chest) you proceed to shit on her chest–just for the hell of it. She then becomes the “Lunch Lady.”

2. The Stranger – Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.

3. Donkey Punch – Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then punching her in the back of the head. This should give you a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly, the girl must be knocked out so that her asshole tightens up.

4. Golden Shower – Any form of dropping piss all over a girl.

5. Pearl Necklace – Whenever you cum on the neck area of a girl – it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry.

6. Coyote – This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty woman and you know you’ve got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of the situation. Can be very painful.

7. Purple Mushroom – This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you pull your penis back slightly before poking it back into the inside of her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to that of a purple mushroom.

8. The Flying Camel – As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees, you carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl, much like you would imagine a flying camel to sound like. Strictly a class move.

9. Fishhook – A variation of “The Shocker” (an uninvited digit placed in the girl’s anus ) in which, with the finger still up there, you “hook” back in the direction the pussy. No real purpose here other than to think to yourself while doing it, “ahhh yes the Fishhook……”. Another variation called the “New Jersey Meathook” involves sticking your uninvited digit in the girl’s anus while fucking her from behind. You finger is then turned upward toward her back and you pull her entire body toward you over and over while she is sliding on your cock.

10. The Ram – Again, you’re attacking from behind, when you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those lulls in penile sensitivity.

11. Dog in a Bathtub – This is a proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl’s ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.

12. Felching – It occurs after you have been sticking your babe in the can, you bust your nut in there, back up and then pucker your lips up to her rim and suck out your ranch dressing. (This is also the first step of a very advanced maneuver called the Halmstad Hook).

13. Tossing Salad – One person simply chows box or asshole with the help of whatever condiments are available, i.e. lettuce, tomatoes, croutons, vinegar and oil, etc.

14. The Bronco – Back to reality with this classic. You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits and or a large lock of hair as tight as possible and yell another girl’s name or state “Ya know your by far the ugliest girl I ever fucked”. This gives you the feeling of riding a bronco as she tries to buck you off.

15. Pink glove – This frequently happens during a marathon session (maybe a second round) when a girl is simply not wet enough. When you give up and attempt to pull out to give her money or whatever, the inside of her twatsticks to your hog like the inside of a leather glove. Thus, the pink glove

16. The Fountain of You – While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before releasing. Then spew like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed). This is also a variation of the first stage of a Cleveland Steamer to be described later.

17. New York Style Taco – (Also known as a wet Betsy) – Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down, you boot on her box. All the fixin’s.

18. The Durty Sanchez – A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie style, you insert your finger into said woman’s asshole, pull it out, and wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin, shit moustache. This makes her look like someone whose name could be Dirty Sanchez. A very popular European variation of this maneuver called “The Hitler” involves a simple shit smudge under her nose, replicating the look of Hitler’s mustache.

19. The Fish Eye – From behind, you shove your finger in her ass, thereupon she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion to see what the hell you are doing. At that point, you have received a “Fish Eye.”

20. Tuna Melt – Lights out, you’re down on a chick lapping away at an unusually juicy slab when you discover that it just happens to be the time of the month. A man of honor, by no means do you stop. When the whale spews, tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry smothers your face. (this only work with chicks who REALLY cum hard).

21. Pole Vault – Originated by ancient Romans. When the female has sucked your pole to the point of ejaculation she swiftly inserts the index finger of her right hand into your anus. This surprise causes a subtle popping out of the eyes, a natural arch to the lower back and extra propulsion necessary to clear the high bar. Bruce Jenner added this to his warm-up routine after losing to Sergie Bubka in the 1979 Olympics.

22. Furr Ball – You’re chomping away at some mighty trollop who has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie’s afro, you don’t mind though, that is until a mammoth furr ball gets lodged in your throat and causes you to beat the piss out of her.

23. The Chili Dog – You take a shit on a girl’s tits and then proceed to titty fuck her.

24. A Hot Carl – A simple maneuver where you withdraw your shaft from the bowels of her anus and place it directly into her mouth for a cleaning. Apparently some guy named Carl first tried this.

25. The Cleveland Steamer – Mentioned above in #16. After dumping your load on and around her chest–you position your ass just above your own pool of soup and sit in it, full weight, possibly causing her to gasp for breath. You then pretend to be pulling the whistle cord on a genuine Cleveland steam ship. As you make the loud noise you slide in your spunk from her chest to her bush smearing a spunk trail on her body in your wake. This can be done with the male facing either direction. The more authentic the steam whistle sound, the better.

26. The Halmstad Hook – As mentioned above in #12. This is a unique sequence of events named after a town in Sweden, where this apparently happens quite frequently. After dumping your spunk in her rear, the sauce is sucked out of the anus by the male. Once the sauce has transferred from her bowls to your mouth–the product that has been created is now known as “Swedish Cheese.” The move is completed when the “Swedish Cheese” is transferred to the ladies mouth via a deep tongue kiss. You can cap this off with a swift stinging slap of her ass to show her how much you care and appreciate all her hard work.

27. Rapp-N-Poke – It’s sat. night in the hood and you’re lookin to stuff the Ho of the week. After the bitches 9 juveniles hit the streets for their evening violence,you stroll up in you’re beat-up Cadillac an hour late with two quarts of mad dog to set the mood. Don’t forget to stop along the way to sell a glock and two rocks of crack to some under aged criminals. Now start the evening by yelling,”come here you black bitch and suck my meat” Dip your oversized nigger-cock into some Kool-Aid and stuff it between her dishlipps. Constantly beat her like the slave that she is and pound your fist into that bubble ass. Now whack off into a bucket of extra crispy and put it over her head so she can’t see the watermelon that you’re about to volley off of her thick skull. After you shoot her, go to the porch, sit down, and don’t work for the rest of your life.

The Degenerate Dictionary – Volume II

1. Tea Bag – This act requires some additional tools: a handset from your neighbors phone, a rubber mallet from his tool box, and while your in his garage you might as well take his softball. These objects or ones similar should work well. Oooh ya don’t forget a piece of lemon. As she lies on her back, you straddle her on your knees. Once your facing your opponents hairy patch, start to shove one object at a time into her hole (unlubricated works best). The pain or the embarrassment should keep her mouth open for quite a while. By the time you get to the softball she should be ready. While crouching over her proceed to dip your nuts into her mouth. Bite some lemon while doing this and continue the process. You are now tea bagging the slob.

2. Mudslide – For those with access to a garden hose, try a Mudslide. When your ho’s drunk as Dean Martin sometime, pull your meatbag out of her kornhole and quickly jam the hose up the vacant cavity. Turn on the faucet full blast and stand back. Before you know it her eyes will bug out and a flow of Haitian river water will stain your sheets. I suggest writing her name in big red letters and hanging the sheet on the front of your house for all to see. For added pleasure, call her a dumb cunt and jerk off in her eyes. She’ll thank you.

3. The Mugger – Some how your cock ends up in some hogs mouth and an unwanted thumb ends up in your chute. You retaliate back at your opponent by releasing a gust of swamp ass. You can guarantee that she would have rather been hit in the face with pepper spray.

4. Skull Cap – Your sitting on a couch or chair (preferably watching Baywatch). She’s in front on her knees with your sack in her mouth. While she is sucking… you are stroking. As you begin your joyous release, grab the base of your shaft and (as hard as you can) tattoo her forehead with your cock. When done properly a full impression of a mushroom should be left on her bean.

5. Stumpin – (caution, this move requires imagination and balance). As you hover over a quadruple amputee, carefully insert what’s left of her arms up your ass while using her knarled thighs to whack off. This should produce a stream of spunk which should land where a normal persons feet would be. You’ve now been stumpin.

6. The Circus Seal – press the twins to one side of your sack and let them fall from the hole in your BVD’s. This should produce a beachball effect (painting your tool bag is optional). Proceed to straddle your dates face and pummel her nose with your bag of marbles. This works best when performed with a relative.

7. Slim Shaddy – This is when two cock chuggers get stuck together while riding the mudpole (similar to when two dogs get stuck). If you ever come across this situation… DONT IGNORE IT. Check the room and see if there’s a third shit eater (there probably is). After you find him rip his meat bag off and jam it down his throat. Take your time and make sure he swallows every ounce of his own nut sauce. As for the other two “Faaags” put a leash around the lead “mo” and drag them both into a van or pick-up truck. Proceed to the worst part of town and dump them off. This act of deviance is not sexual but it sure is fun.

8. The Gummy Bear – is easily performed on a sleeping grandmother. While the old bag is in a pharmaceutical haze with her teeth in a glass, straddle her wrinkled mug and jam your naughty boy down her throat (through her gums) blowing your jack down her withered esophagus. If she wakes up, just tell her she forgot to take her pills and you were helping her. A fun variation on this is to turn around just as she wakes up, put her dentures in your ass and start screaming at her like a wild talking asshole (which, of course, you are).

9. The Pit Stop – You’ve spent all night boozing and courting a local slob, now it’s time to go back to her place. Wrap up the chit chat by jamming junior down her throat. When her lips are wrapped good and tight around your meat whistle, let loose with that piss that’s been building for hours. Her look of horror would normally be enough reward, but as she evacuates, her coughing and your continual stream will mark all of your territory, leaving you with even greater satisfaction. You won’t be able to stop, so if she chases you, make sure the pursuit leads you to every corner of her abode, she’ll appreciate your lawn sprinkler imitation.

10. ET – Next time you’ve got some dumb-ass fuck puppet ready to go, grab her purse and excuse yourself to the can while the drunken whore waits, lost in her own tangled bush. Get her mother’s (or husband’s) phone number from her purse while making fake shit noises. Flush the toilet for effect then grab the cordless phone on the way back to bed. As soon as you find yourself stabbing her bucket with your jonny, dial the number and hold the phone near her head with same hand your pulling hair with and bang away. Make sure you mention her name and ask her things like, “Who’s the biggest whore in the world?” and “You like fat cocks up your dirt road don’t you?”. Then throw the phone on the bed and tell it’s for her. A nice topper to this maneuver is to take her money and throw her outside nude and lock the door. I like to threaten to kill her if I ever see her again. You might have your own closing. Have fun. Be creative.

11. The Wooden Indian – Next time your banging a gook, stuff an old dime store wooden Indian up her cunt ’till she’s dead. Then throw her in front of a truck. I call this the wooden Indian I think you will too. Great around the holidays. In the event an officer of the law should catch you, just mutter incoherently about Pearl Harbor and Nazis. You’re sure to get off.

12. Oscars Treat – This ones for the outdoor enthusiasts: Make sure your next “first time” date is on the night before trash day. As you greet the “ho” at her front door you tell her that because of your OCD you have a ritual you must perform before you begin the date. Being the gentleman that you appear to be she obliges. Before the tuna machine knows what hit her, grab the rope from the front seat of your truck and hog tie her to the curbside mailbox. Quickly strip her rotten, and with the respect of a sailor on leave… fill every orifice with the nearby garbage. After giving her a few rabbit punches, spank one out in the mailbox and go home.

13. The Pitchfork – Pick up any Stevie Wonder lovin’ blind slut… and while your fucking her dog, beat her senseless with that ridiculous cane. Because you’re definitely gone straight to hell!

14. Puppy Love – It’s Sunday morning and you’re robbing a girlscout of her dignity and her future by giving her a sausage enema. You turn slowly only to find her pregnant basset hound chowing down on your filthy hole. With a swift kick to the doggy cunt of your attacker, you release a spew of bloody premature puppies from that bitches open wound. You than gather up their limp bodies and fire them rapidly at the girlscouts head hoping to connect with one fatal blow. If that doesn’t work, fuck her again and then kill her and stuff the puppies up her ass. P.S. kick the dog again before you leave.

15. The Big Top – Next time your at a carnival drag out the Fat Lady and a couple of midgets. Take them to the roof of tallest building in the city. Then have that fat ass shave each kickstand completely bald. When she gets done… role the nude little bastards in a ball and position them on each side of you. Stand up straight and start spitting up in the air while yelling “I’m a cock…. I’m a cock”. Congratulations you are now the biggest dick in town. Before getting off the roof, FIST the fatty in the can and chuck the midgets off head first. This trick is slightly more fun while wearing a red rubber nose.

16. The Al Bundy – This activity is recommended for every married scum out there who’s trying to do the right thing. While out with the boys you realize that you are surrounded by meat melons. To keep your mind off the screaming beaver go up to hottest hole in your grasp and begin to entertain her with your sharp wit. Classic one liners like “say your a toilet” & “put it in your mouth” or the always popular “show me your bush” should quickly win her over. The result is consistently a hearty kick to the nuts… and when you untangle them from your intestine, thank her for saving your lousy marriage.

17. Broken Necklace – A variation to the ever popular pearl necklace. It’s that time of the month again and your slob has asked you once again to buy her something. “No problem” jewelry is what she wants, jewelry is what she’ll get. Take the little monkey upstairs and force her to chug your turkey baster. After about ten minutes of fucking that hole in her face, pull it out and begin spanking all over her upper chest. Before you finish, take out the real thing from her jewelry box and choke her with it. As she turns blue take her empty purse and stuff it up her hairy patch. From then on she’ll immediately appreciate the T-Shirt you got her last Christmas.

Article Author: A Bunch of Perverts
Source: The (now defunct) Smartass Library

Ah, going through old lost jem’s of smartass history, making them available in shiny new format

————————————————————————
Afrikaans

Poes / Doos – Pussy

Fok jou – Fuck you

Jy pis my af – You’re pissing me off

Hoer – Whore

Slet – Slut

Kak – Shit

Poephol – Asshole

Dom Doos – Dump Pussy

Gaan fok jouself – Go fuck yourself

————————————————————————

Arabic

Koos – cunt.

nikomak – fuck your mother

sharmuta – whore

zarba – shit

kis – vagina

zib – penis

Elif air ab tizak! – a thousand “dicks” in your ass!

kisich – pussy

Elif air ab dinich – A thousand dicks in your religion

Mos zibby! – Suck my dick!

Waj ab zibik! – An infection to your dick!

kelbeh – bitch (lit a female dog)

Muti – jackass

Kanith – Fucker

Kwanii – Faggot

Bouse Tizi – Kiss my ass

————————————————————————

Armenian

Aboosh – Stupid

Dmbo, Khmbo – Idiot

Myruht kooneh – Fuck your mother

Peranuht shoonuh kukneh – The dog should shit in your mouth

Esh – Donkey

Buhlo (BUL-lo) – Dick

Kuk oudelic shoon – Shit eating dog

Juge / jugik – penis

Vorig / vor – ass

Eem juges bacheek doer – Kiss my penis

Eem voriga bacheek doer – Kiss my ass

Toon vor es – You are an ass

Toon esh es – You are a jackass

Metz Dzi-zik – Big Breasts

Metz Jugik – Big penis

————————————————————————

Bengali

baing chood – sister fucker

chood – fuck/fucker

choodmarani – mother fucker

haramjada – bastard

dhon – dick

gud – pussy

khanki/maggi – whore

laewra aga – dickhead

tor bapre choodi – fuck your dad

————————————————————————

Bulgarian

Gus – Ass

Coochka – Bitch

Pederas – Gay / Fag

Luyno – Shit

Luyno Guava – Shit Head

Peeshka Guava – Penis Head

————————————————————————

Czech

Do prdele – (literally, “In the ass”), “Up yours”

Mrdat, prcat – very dirty words for “fuck,”

used only by the lowest of the low(whores, thugs, etc.)

Chces mrdat?

(ksesh mrrdat?) – “Do you want to fuck?”

Hovno – “shit”

Prsa – Tits

Pinjor – Cock

Hovno Hlava – Shit Head

Peecha – Pussy/Cunt

————————————————————————

Chinese (multiple Dialects)

Cantonese (phonetic, more or less)

Poq Gai – “Go Die in the street”, general purpose swearword

(ie can fit in any context, like “shit!” or “fuck you”

or “you bastard” etc etc etc. add words before and

after for effect

D’iu ne lo mo – Fuck your mom

sAY Baht Poh – bitch

tiu nia ma chow hai – fuck your mom’s smelly cunt

sek si – eat shit

hum kah chan – death to your family!

lok chat – dick

hamsap – horny person (not a swear word actually,

just an insult)

chow fah hai – smelly cheap cunt

gai – whore

Mandarin (phonetic, more or less)

gun ni ma /

chao ni niang – fuck your mom

chao ni niang de zhu

zong shi ba dai – fuck your mom’s ancestors

grandmas great grandmas

daH bien – shit

Liu mang – standard swear for bastard/assmunch/etc

Ni ma la bi – Your mother contracts turtles.

Hokkien (Phonectic, more or less)

Cheeby – Pussy

Lan Jiao – Dick

Kiu Mo – Pubic Hair

Ni Na Bu – Your Fucking Mother

Chao – Cheeby Smelly Pussy

Lan Hoot – Balls

Neh – Breast

Ka Ni Na Beh Chao Cheeby

- Fuck Your Bloody Mother’s smelly pussy

Ka Ni Na – Fuck Your mother

Ka Ni Lao Beh – Fuck Your Father

peh bu ki ho lang kan – parents go fuck by someone

peh bu ki ho gao kan – parents go fuck by dogs

and the chao cheebye – smelly cunt

keh – whore

Hakka (Phonectic, more or less)

diao nia meh – fuck your mom

chew hai – smelly cunt

bot nia meh see

tai lang – fuck your mom’s smelly cunt

chap jong – bastard

guy – whore

nia meh boon kiu diao – let the dog fuck your mom

————————————————————————

Dutch (Holland)

lul – dick

kut – cunt

kak, stront – shit

opdekontneuker – up-the-ass-fucker

hoer – hooker

eikel – dickhead

————————————————————————

Estonian

kuradi munn – (Lit. devil’s penis)

kuradi puts – (Lit. devil’s cunt) [strong]

kurat vo~tku – fuck you (Lit. let devil takes it)

kurat, saatan – devil

kusema/pissima (v) – to piss

mine persse! – (Lit. go into ass)

mine vittu – fuck off (Lit. go into cunt)

munn – penis

nussima,nikkuma (v) – to fuck

piss/kusi – piss

raisk – rotted

sitt – shit

sittuma (v) – to shit

vitt/puts – cunt

————————————————————————

Finnish

vittu – fuck(Lit. cunt)

helvetti – hell

vittupaeae – (Lit. cunthead)

kusipaeae – pisshead

paskiainen – bastard

paska – shit

Suksi vittuun – Ski into a cunt

Vedae vittu paeaehaen – Draw a cunt over your head

Ime munaa, runkkari – Suck cock, wanker

————————————————————————

French

merde – shit

manges la merde – eat shit

tu m’emmerdes – you’re pissing me off

(Lit. you’re shitting on me)

tu me fais chier – you are pissing me off

vas faire foutre

a la vache – go fuck a cow.

encule – fuck you (anal style!?)

salope, ordure, conasse,

poofias – bitch

va te faire voir,

va aux diable,

aux pelotes,

fous la camp,

va te faire cuire un oeuf,

va chier,

te faire voir chez lez Grecs!

- go to hell!, Fuck off!

vas te faire foutre – go get fucked (lit: stuff you)

vas te faire enculé – fuck you

fils de pute – son of a bitch

tu m`emmerdes! – Fuck yourself!

une vieille bique,

il est becheur – an old bitch, pompous ass

le con, la conasse,

la chatte – cunt

baiser – to fuck

ce sont des conneries – that’s a load of shit

leche moi et saire me renier

- lick me and make me cum

tete moi le dard, enculé!

- suck my dick,

you fucked faggot!

mes couilles sur ton nez – my balls on your nose

putain, pute – whore

cul – ass

bite – cock

pauvre con – asshole (lit: you poor cunt)

vas pisser dans

les fleurs – fuck off (lit: go piss in the flowers)

c’est rien que

de la merde – its just a bunch of shit

maudite vache – asshole/bitch/etc – (lit: damned cow)

va chier – go shit

tu mangeras le tas – you can eat the pile

(usually an answer to “va chier”s)

————————————————————————

German

Blödes Arschloch – stupid asshole

Dummes Huhn – stupid chicken

Scheisse – shit

Fotze – cunt

Blöde Fotze – Stupid cunt

Schwuchtl – faggot (noun)

Lesbe – Lesbian

Mutterficker – motherfucker

Hurensohn – sonuvabitch

Hure – whore

Depp – idiot

Drecksau – dirty pig

Arschgesicht – “Assface” (Butthead)

Fick dich! – fuck you

Fick mich – fuck me

(dummer) Schweinhund – (dumb) pigdog (archaic)

Schlampe – tramp or slut

das geht dich einen feuchten

Scheissdreck an – none of your fucking business

(Lit. that concerns you like wet shit)

du verdammter

Arschficker – you damn assfucker

Auf Wiedersehen

Fickakopf – Goodbye fuckhead

himmeldonnerwetter – *no translation–very strong curse*

(Lit. heaven thunder weather)

Leck mich am Arsch – lick my ass

mach es dir selber – go fuck yourself

scheissekopf – shithead

Lichten mein asch. – kiss my ass, Lit.- Lick my ass

Lichten mein

Hosenschlange! – lit. – Lick my trouser snake

schnoodle noodle – dick snot

————————————————————————

Greek

vlaca – stupid (noun), moron

Malacca – masturbator, harshest swear for a male

malaka wanker gamisou – fuck off

Ay gamisou – go fuck off

to mounee tis manas sou – fuck your mother’s pussy

mounee – pussy

poutsos – dick

poustis – faggot

Fila mou to kolo – kiss my ass

As to thialo – Go to hell

Skila – Bitch

Boostie Mav-ro malaka

skit-tah – nigger dick sucking faggot.

————————————————————————

Haitian Creole

dan bounda ou – up your ass

kolan guete maman ou – fuck you

L’en mede – piss off (Lit. in the shit)

————————————————————————

Hebrew

Zonah – whore

Zayin – cock

Harah – shit.

Mishugena – freak

Hutzpa – balls (as in he’s got a lot of nerve)

Beitsim – Balls

ben zonah – son of a bitch (son of a whore, actually)

lech zayen et

ima shelcha – go fuck your mom

zayin – penis

tahat – ass

mitromem mizdayen

batahat – gay assfucker

zayin al hakuss

hamasrihach shel

haima hamechoeret

shelcha – fuck your ugly mom’s smelly cunt

lech lehizdayen – fuck off

lech timtzotz et

hazayin hakatan shel

aba shelcha me’onen

ehad – go suck your dad’s small dick you wanker

lech zayen para – go fuck a cow

timtzotz li et hazayin,

hatichat hara

masriach – suck my cock you smelly piece of shit

lakek et hatahat sheli – lick my ass

lakeki li a hadagdegan,

zonah – lick my clit you whore

benzona – son of a bitch

lech tiezdayen – fuck you

ben sharmuta – like son of a bitch

manyak – just a cures

coos ima selha – your mother’s vegina

————————————————————————

Hindi

chutia – pussy (in a “you are stupid” context)

gaandu – asshole

mah-der chod – mother fucker

tatti – shit

Bhen Chhod bhayn-chod – Sister Fucker

Madar Chhod

maa-duhr chod – Mother fucker

Bhai Chhod bha-yee chod – Brother Fucker

Chutiya choo-tia – Fucker

Gaand gaa-nd – Ass

Lund luh-nd – Cock

Chut choot – Pussy

Mammey mumm-aye – Breasts

————————————————————————

Indonesian

bangsat – bastard

bule – caucasian

gila – crazy

isep kontol – blow job

isep kontol gua – suck my dick

kontol – penis

memek – vagina

monyet – monkey

ngentot – fuck

ngentot lu – fuck you

ngewe – fucking

pantat – ass

pantat besar – big ass

peler – penis

pentil – nipple

toket – women’s breast

toket besar – big breast

jembut – pubic hair

biji – testicles ( slang, lit. means “seed” )

pentil – nipple

palaji – ( slang ) foreskin

————————————————————————

Italian

puttana – whore

fungula / scopa – fuck

merda – shit

Vaffanculo – fuck off

No Skuche ala Gats! – what the fuck do you want from my balls?

————————————————————————

Jamaican

bumboclot – you are full of shit

teras – your ass

————————————————————————

Japanese (phonetic, more or less)

baka yaroo – stupid bastard

Chikushoo – oh Fuck! (literally: “Animal”)

Kuso – shit

Imi imishe Kuso – Eat Fucking Shit

Urusai Kono Bakayaro – Shut up you crazy motherfucker!

ChingChing – penis

ketsunoana – Asshole

Pai Pai – Breasts, nipples

onara – fart

onara atama – fart head

onani – masterbate

anato wa onani o

shimasuka is – Do you masterbate

kin tama – golden balls

kisama – lord of the donkeys

Anata wa dame des – You are a nasty person

manko – pussy

————————————————————————

Korean (phonetic more or less)

Ssibal-seki /

Samanes-seki(?) – Son of shit

eemee sheemee pek

poejee dah – your mother has a bald pussy

Geseki – Son of a bitch

Yumago – fuck you

shibseki – all the bad stuff combined, bitch, whore etc.

Ko-chu-pado – suck my dick

Kochu – dick

Dong-mogo – eat shit

K-sa-key – bitch

She-pa-nom – No exact translation but it is the worst

word you could ever say in Korean.

————————————————————————

Malaysian (phonetic, more or less)

pookih lang chiau pakalau mah bong

- may your ass, boobs, and penis all fall off

anak haram – bastard

cibai – pussy (?)

pantat – ass

puki/pepek – pussy

puki mak – fuck your mother (also “mother’s cunt”)

saya hendak pukimak – I want to fuck your mom

isap telur – Suck my balls

cor-nek / shuhana – dick

tetel – boobs

chin hooi – asshole

bodoh – dumb ass

celaka – idiot

puki-thiam – whore house

bohsia – young horny bitch

tet tet – breast

tah fei kei (TFK) – masturbate

————————————————————————

Macedonian (phonetic, more or less)

pitch-ga da mahl-a – literally “return to your mother’s cunt”

————————————————————————

Norwegian!

Helvete – Hell

Pule – Fuck

Faen – Damn

Dritt – Shit

drittsek – shitbag

Fitte – Cunt

fleskepanne – meathead

pikk – dick

hore – slut

din faens rompeslikker – you damn asslicker

din mor suger

pikk i helvete – your mother sucks cock in hell

ditt lusne, skitne,

stinkende,

raatne grisetryne – you lousy, dirty stinking, rotten pigface

dra meg hardt i rompehara /

knull meg hardt og fort – fuck me hard and fast (basically…)

————————————————————————

Persian (phonetic, more or less)

Kosefil – Elephant’s Cunt

kosskesh – pimp (literal: “one who stretches pussy”)

coony – Faggot

kesafat – you dirty piece of shit

beshoor – no brained

madar kharbeh – mother fucker

an – diarhhea

kos-khol – person who is crazy and obessed for a

girl’s pussy

amale – dirty piece of shit labor worker

khar – idiot

an damagh – booger

khange khodah – screw-up of god

antareh gav – “annoying cow”

bee-sharaf – [bad insult]. def. (?)

————————————————————————

Polish

huj – dick

dupek – asshole

dziwka – whore (light)

kurwa – whore (hard), fig. “Oh shit!”

spieprzaj – piss off

spierdalaj – fuck off

pojebany – fucked up

pierdolec – fucker

Gówno (pron. GOOVnoh) – shit

zajebiste – “fucking awesome”

Coor-va – fuck

————————————————————————

Portuguese

foder – to fuck; Present Indicative: eu

broche – cock sucking

chupa-me a – suck my cock

foda-se – fuck (figurative)

pica, piroca, caralho – cock

puta, cabra – bitch

vai para o caralho – piss off vai-te

corno – faggot

————————————————————————

Russian

Sooka – Bitch/traitor/whore

Yob – Fuck (verb root)(ie “I Fuck”=”Ya Yebur”

baltattsya kak govno v prorubi

- to be flighty or indecisive (?)

(Lit. to bob like shit in a hole in the ice)

Yob tvoiu mat’ – “Fuck you!” or “Oh shit!”

(literal: “Fuck your mother” or

“I just fucked your mother”)

(perhaps the harshest insult in Russian)

poshol na khui – Fuck off (Lit. go onto a dick)

poshol v zhopu – Fuck off (Lit. go into an asshole)

tebya ne ebut,

ti ne podmakhivai – mind your own fucking business

(Lit. you’re not being fucked,

so don’t wiggle your ass)

paashol v’chorte – go to hell

kooshi govno ee oomree – eat shit and die

ya eemay-you o-chen

balshoy jol-ty hoy – I have a big yellow dick

tva-ya mama sa-seet

kor-rov-on-ni-ye hoy-ee – You mother sucks cow dicks.

per-ee-staan haameetca – stop bitching

yob tvoyu mat – fuck your mother

bivneetca – showing off asshole

peesa – polite penis

govno – shit (literally)

bliad – “Oh shit!” (lit. whore)

Khui – cock

pizda – cunt

manda – cunt

zhopa – an asshole or an ass

sraka – an ass (extremely vulgar)

mudak – an asshole (a person only)

bliad’ – whore

govniuk – shithead

————————————————————————

Serbian

Jebem ti mater u picku! – I fuck your mother in her pussy!

(Yebem tee mutter oo peetchqu)

Bog te jebo! – May God fuck you!

(Bog te yebo)

Jebo ti pas mater! – May a dog fuck your mother!

(Yebo tee puss mutter)

Crko dabogda stoko seljacka!

- May you drop dead, you redneck ox!

(Crko dubogda stocko selyachka)

Popusis mi kurac krasni!

- Suck my lovely dick!

(Popoosheesh me quratz krusnee)

Peecko smrdlyeeva – You smelly pussy.

(when you are a wimp, or afraid to do something)

Govno yedno – You piece of shit.

Peechka – pussy.

Sranje! – ohhh, shit!

Some! – you stupid ass.

Yebachu te! – I’ll fuck you.

(have two meanings.

1. if you want to fight with someone.

2. when you are about to fuck a chick.

————————————————————————

Slovenian

Pejt u pizdu mater! – Go to (in) your mothers vagina

(Peyt oo PEEZ-doo MA-ter)

Preklet vosu! – Cursed donkey (literally “Bloody fool”)

(Prek-LET voh-SOO)

kurac – penis

(KOOH-ratz)

pizda – vagina

(PEEZ-dah)

drek – shit

peder – faggot

(PEH-dehr)

————————————————————————

Spanish

Chingas tu madre – Fuck your mom

Mierde – Shit

Chupa me, puto – Suck me, asshole!

chupe me verga /

chupa me la peha – suck my dick

puta – (feminine) whore, bitch

puto – (masculine) dickhead, asshole

joto – faggot (mex.)

pendejo/pendeja – (m/f) asshole, dickhead, etc.

Marricon – faggot

Mariposa (Mex.) – faggot (lit. butterfly)

chingar – to fuck

cagar – to shit

coger – to fuck, (lit. to catch)

chupar – to suck

verga – dick (lit. broomstick)

pinche – fucking (sp?)

chorizo – dick (lit. sausage)

panocha – pussy (extremely vulgar)

culo – ass

huevos – testicles (lit. eggs)

chichis – breasts

pendeja, pendejo – (Lit. pubic hair)

me cago en la hostia – i shit in the communion wafers

Cago en tu leche – I shit in your milk.

beso mi culo – kiss my ass

hacete cojer – go and get fucked

hijo de mil putas – son of thousand bitches

metete un palo en

el culo – shove a stick up your ass

me cago en la puta

madre que te pario

hijo de puta – I shit on the bitch mother that gave you

birth you son of a bitch

chimba – pussy (colombian spanish)

————————————————————————

Swedish

fitta – cunt

kuk – cock

pattar – tits

fan – damn

mammaknullare – motherfucker

din morsa luktar

friterad getröv

i fittan – your mother smells like fried

goatass in her cunt

kuksugare – cocksucker

knullare – fucker

rövhål – asshole

helvete – hell

bög – faggot

jävlar – fucking

sug min kuk – suck my cock

hora – whore, prostitute

pess – piss

————————————————————————

Tagalog (Philippine)

TAE – Shit

Putanginamo – Fuck you

maliit ang titi mo – you got a small dick

magkantutan tayo – let’s fuck

naninigas ang titi ko – I got a hard on

didilain ko ang tingil mo – I’ll lick your clit

sipsipin mo ang titi ko – suck my dick

lunukin mo ang tamod ko – swallow my cum

malaki ang susu mo – you got big tits

anak ka nang puta – son of a bitch

puke nang ina mo – your mom’s pussy

tukmol – ugly

Igao walang kang diti – you are dickless

Igao walang kang puit – you are buttless

Bi-HO KEE KEE – Stinky pussy.

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Turkish

Siktir lan – get fucked

Anani sikerim – i’ll fuck your mum

got veren – ass giver

ibne – faggot

um – cunt

chukumu yala – suck my dick

ananin yara var,

ve baban jelos oldu – your mums got a dick and your

father jealous.

————————————————————————

Vietnamese

goo – dick

geeum – pussy

dum [doom] mare may – fuck your mother

lo-de – asshole

du-ma-nhieu – go fuck yourself

————————————————————————

Ukrainian

Hivno – shit

Khui – cock

Sraka – ass

————————————————————————

Unique English

Footsy Fucker (smartass invented)

Cock Gobbler

Anally retentive Pubic Louse

Cum Guzzling Fat Fuck

Gap Toothed trailer park discount whore

Lying sack of Siberian snake shit

gapped toothed, beer guzzlin’, cousin fucker

————————————————————————

Yiddish

Putz – dickhead

Yutz – asshole

Schlemeil – asshole (the one that “screws”

Schlmazel – asshole (“gets screwed” by the schlemeil)

Mishugena – freak

————————————————————————

Article Author: The Smartass
Source: The (now defunct) Smartass Library

Stolen from my old hidden forum, where I originally stole it from Worst-Case Scenarios Online. I figure not all my articles need to be original, just helpful ; )

Fake an Emergency

1. Excuse yourself from the table.Tell your date that you are going to the restroom to “wash up.” Take your cell phone with you. If you do not have one, locate a restaurant phone that’s out of your date’s line of vision. Bring a restaurant matchbook or a business card that has the restaurant’s phone number.

2. Call a friend or relative for help.Tell them to call you (either on your cell phone or on the restaurant’s phone) and pretend there has been an “emergency.” Believable emergencies are:

* Personal Crisis: “My friend just broke up with her husband—she’s having a breakdown. I have to go.”

* Business Crisis: “My boss just called—she’s in Seattle for a major presentation, and has lost all her files. I have to e-mail them to her immediately.”

* Health Crisis: “My sister just called—our grandmother is alone and ill.”

3. Leave quickly before your date can protest.Apologize, but refuse any attempt your date makes to accompany you. If you leave swiftly and without hesitation, your date won’t have time to understand what’s happening or to object.

Slip Away Unnoticed

1. Identify your escape route.Observe your surroundings. Take note of the exits, especially the back doors. Look for the best way out and an alternative.

2. Plan to alter your appearance.Think about your most distinctive features and figure out how to hide or disguise them. The person you are trying to leave is going to see a figure moving past and away at a distance and will be focusing on the first impression. If you are not familiar to him and are uninteresting, you will not get a second look.

3. Excuse yourself from the table.Move to the restroom or any private area with a mirror to begin your transformation. Your date will probably wait two or three minutes before expecting you to return, so act quickly, before he begins looking for you.

4. Add or remove clothing.Layering garments will change your body shape and even suggest a different gender. A long coat will obscure your body type. Hats are especially useful because they conceal your hair and facial features. Eyeglasses, whether added or removed, work wonders. A shopping bag is a handy prop and can be used to hold your belongings.

5. Change your walk and posture.If you usually walk quickly, move slowly. If you stand up straight, hunch over. To alter your gait, slip a pebble in one shoe or bind one of your knees with a piece of string or cloth.

6. Use or remove cosmetics.Lipstick can change the shape of your mouth, heighten the color in your cheeks and nose, and even give you tired eyes if dabbed and blended on your eyelids. An eyebrow pencil can be used to add age lines, change the shape of your eyes and brows, or create facial hair.

7. Change your hairstyle or color.A rubber band, hairspray, water, or any gooey substance can be useful for changing a hairstyle, darkening your hair, or altering a hairline. Borrow flour from the kitchen to lighten or gray your hair color.

8. Adopt a cover role.A waiter in the restaurant may have an apron and be carrying a tray. If you can manage to procure these items, add or subtract a pair of eyeglasses, and alter your hairline or hairstyle, you can become invisible as you are moving out of the restaurant, into the kitchen, and out the rear door. Or you can take on the role of a maintenance worker; carry a convenient potted plant out the front door and no one will think twice.

9. Make your move.Do not look at your date.

Slip Out the Window

If you do not think you will be able to change your appearance enough to slip past your date, you may have to find another way to depart. Back doors are the simplest; they are often located near the restrooms or are marked as fire exits. Do not open an emergency exit door if it is alarmed unless absolutely necessary; an alarm will only draw attention. If there are no accessible alternate doors, you will need to find a window.

1. Locate a usable window.Avoid windows with chicken wire or large plate glass. Bathroom windows often work best. If you are not on the ground floor, be sure there is a fire escape.

2. Attempt to open the window.Do not immediately break the window, no matter how dire your need to get out.

3. Prepare to break the window if you cannot open it. Make sure no one is around. If you can, lock the bathroom door.

4. Find an implement to break the window.Try to avoid using your elbow, fist, or foot. Suitable implements are:

* Wastebasket

* Toilet plunger

* Handbag or briefcase

* Paper towel dispenser

5. Strike the center of the glass with the implement.If the hand holding the implement will come within a foot of the window as you break it, wrap it with a jacket or sweater before attempting to break the glass. If no implement is available, use your heavily wrapped hand; be sure you wrap your arm as well, beyond the elbow.

6. Punch out any remaining shards of glass.Cover your fist with a jacket or sweater before removing the glass.

7. Make your escape.Do not worry about any minor nicks and cuts. Run.

Get Your Date to Leave

1. Say something offensive. If you know your date is of a particular religion or ethnicity, make inappropriate comments.

2. Behave inappropriately.Do things that you think he will find unattractive or distasteful: chew with your mouth open, eat with your fingers, argue with the waiter, close your eyes and pretend to sleep, light matches and drop them on your plate, ignore everything he says, and/or call someone else on your cell phone.

3. Send your date on a “fool’s errand.”

* Tell him you want to go to a specific nightclub, but explain that it gets very crowded and that if you are not in line by a certain time (say, 15 minutes from then), you won’t get in. Tell your date that you have arranged to have your friend stop by the restaurant with guest passes, but that if your date does not go ahead to the nightclub to get in line, you’ll never make it inside. If your date wants your cell phone number, give the number willingly but make sure you change one digit. Promise you will see your date within half an hour. Never show.

* Fake an allergy attack, and insist that he leave in search of the appropriate over-the-counter allergy medicine. Explain that you must have been allergic to something in the drink/appetizer/food/taxicab, and that if you do not obtain your medicine you will break out in hives. When your date dutifully leaves, slip away.

Be Aware

* Blind dates are the riskiest forms of dating—it is best to check out a potential suitor extensively before the date.

* Have a friend agree to check out your potential suitor and call you before you enter the bar/restaurant. Send your friend in with a cell phone. Situate yourself at a bar nearby, and await her call. Have her contact you when she has identified the mark.

* If you discover unsavory facts about someone you’re supposed to meet, call immediately to cancel the date. Blame work and say that you have to stay late at the office, or say that you’re experiencing car trouble. A more permanent solution is to say that an old flame has reentered your life; this will prevent your blind date from calling you again and asking for a rain check.
Article Author: Some guy with bad dating experiences.

Source: Worst Case Scenarios
Date Posted: 2.22.07
Last Updated: 2.22.07

You know what a zip file is right? They are great for storing data in 1 little file that you can download online. Well .zip was great 10 years ago, but it’s compression has never really improved. So we need something that can compress data better. In the ago of big-ass hard drives this seems like a trivial thing, however it’s not because the place you are getting these files is the internet. You want your files to download super fast and I want to use less space, and transfer less data from my server.

This is where .7z files come in. They started with a program called 7-Zip, there are many other programs that support .7z noww though because these little badboys can compress the hell out of things. It is my format of choice for compression. Though sadly is not known world wide, so I have stuck to using zip files where possible. Well at this point I want to host things on my server again, and I am low on space, so I am going to be using Bittorrent and 7-Zip files a lot.

Ok, so it compresses a lot right, well you don’t care, you don’t want to have to download another archival program right? I didn’t either, but I caved in and now this is the only one I use, because not only does it support .7z and .zip but it can extract just about anything .rar’s .msi files (microsoft installation’s), ISO’s, tar, deb etc.. The list goes on.

Lastly it’s FREE. I mean WinRAR now supports most of the same files as 7-Zip, however WinRAR is not free.

This is why I use 7-Zip and this is what I will be compressing files in that are on this website, so now you can’t come bitchin’ at me that you can’t use the weird .7z files on this site.

Download 7-Zip
Wikipedia Entry

Article Author: The Smartass
Source: Brain Power
Last Updated: 2.22.07