Calling in Sick

[TSA]

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is
staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today

[Ghost]

Normally I say, "There's a spider by the door!"

or rather "Supaida wa doora ni inrun desu!" (I think that's right)
- but there's a spider by the door!