Slippery Turkey Saga

Thursday, November 24th, 2005 | Uncategorized

So today my sister and I had a busy schedule. We were going to Illinois for most of the day, then to Fort Atkinson, then back to the Mad City. Armed with my award winning free-hand cranberry turkey’s and enough alcohol to kill a small hippo we set off for Illinois.

As I am driving, my sister tells me she has always wanted to be a Chinese Chicken Chaser, however since she was not born Chinese she choose not to try to pursue it. I thought that a strange goal, but in the spirit of family I decided that I would help her achieve her dream.

I figured we couldn’t really get the Chinese part but as an American on Thanksgiving a Turkey would be an appropriate substitute, so I pulled off at an earlier exit and proceeded to a nearby Turkey Farm. I nocked on their door and nobody answered, so we just snuck around back.

I tell her that it takes dedicated training to be able to be a CCC, but since we only had a few minutes before somebody noticed us and called the cops, so I changed the methods a bit. Instead of a large area where you chase a chicken around, we would have to cheat it a bit by cornering it in further and further.

She complained that this was to easy and defeated the purpose but I don’t really feel like going to jail on Thanksgiving so she agreed. We took a tarp from their yard and I tied it to the fence on one side and held the other side myself… As she got the turkey in one area I would adjust my position and tighten the tarp to keep it in.

To my surprise this wasn’t even necessary as within 3 seconds she had already caught a turkey. It was yapping and freaking out but she caught it. She dropped it the first time, and the second time I think she would of kept holding on except it bit her. I didn’t think Turkey’s bit, but I was not about to call my sister a liar. She was getting tired, but decided to try one more time to catch it.

Well this time the turkey decided it had enough because it would not be caught, I who lack patience decided it was taking to long and I was cold and worried about cops so I threw the tarp over the turkey and that stopped it good. I was told I was being cruel, but I didn’t think a person who wanted to trap turkey’s had any right to complain about my methods.

We left in a big ass hurry and my sister proceeded to drink some of the hippo tranquilizer err, I mean alcohol. Now that stuff will pretty much wipe your memory clean, so I was kind of jealous being the driver and all, as I didn’t really want to remember this either (thought it was amusing watching the turkey just slip out of her hands and peck at her legs). I advised her that she was pretty good as a turkey trapper, but she just gave me some weird look like I had grown three heads… yes that’s right, the hippo tranq works quick so I dropped it.

We were almost to our destination, when I decided to turn right. Now I didn’t actually have the address of where we were going but I had been there before and it seemed like the place to turn since I was following a person who looked like they knew where they were going. This method rarely gets me to where I am trying to go, but always gets me to where I need to be (thanks Douglas Adams).

In this case the street snaked around and came to a street called Lozenge, finding this absolutely the funniest street name I had heard in awhile I turned there and went all the way to the end of it. To my surprise at the end of the street they were filming something. There were a bunch of people dressed in Swiss outfits and a big green screen.

I stopped the car and got out and asked the person who seemed like the director what they were filming. He told me it was a ricola commercial. I asked why they choose there to film, and the guy said that he to had drove by lozenge street one day and just found it funny, and figured working that into his commercial would make it even funnier.

Still can’t imagine why he would film it on Thanksgiving, but I was not about to ask. I said good luck and went back to the car and proceeded to turn around. My sister who had waited in the car was laughing when I got back in at the sheer audacity of somebody to film a lozenge commercial on lozenge street. This stopped about the time I pulled into a street that for a second I thought might be where we were supposed to go.

It wasn’t, but my sister was confident that one of those houses was the correct house. I informed her that they would of had to paint it and built an addition on for that to be the case. She was not really satisfied with this answer, but I was driving and I did not want to stop and nock on another person’s door today just to have it be the wrong place.

Lucky us, it was wrong because I drove around another couple minutes and found the correct place.

It was fairly boring while we were there and since I have already been running on about the morning, I will just give you highlights: Was told how much taller I am by people who get shorter every year, Drank spiked punch, ate stuffing and turkey (which I found a little funny since the earlier activities but I kept my mouth shut), had discussion on the best places to pirate media (for purely hypothetical reasons of course), Got check for $27.50 from father as well as a “get this monkey off my back for free card”, avoided relatives, ate pie, left…

We left to go to Fort Atkinson to see my Mother and Uncle who were both in town for the weekend. I have not seen either one in a long time. My sister thought I was taking the wrong route but she was unaware of the intergalactic hyperspace bypass that had been put in Janesville a few years back and was still a little sauced up so I again ignored her and took the bypass there.

In Fort my Grandmother (aka The Pusher) kept offering me food that was already on the table in front of my eyes. I mean I am full, if I want something believe me, I will eat it. We were only there for 10 minutes or so since my mother seemed to be in a big hurry to leave.

Now, I won’t tell you that I was sick of driving and that I made my sister drive and ditched her to ride with my mother, because with the way my story has sounded so far you will assume she was drunk and that I was a terrible brother to make her do that. So I won’t tell you that.

I also won’t tell you that if such a scenario were to happen that I would make it to her apartment 5 minutes before her and then would probably break into her apartment and help unload my mom’s junk into the apartment. I won’t tell you that because once again, both of these things would make me a bad brother, and I am OBVIOUSLY not one of those.

Ok so skipping the details of who, what, when, where, why we got to my sisters apartment as I am doing I proceeded to confiscate the mixed nut bars that she was hoarding from me (as a not so funny joke that my mother devised), and then not finding a suitable chair to sit on, I made my home on an exercise ball.

Now sitting on that leads to laying on that, which leads to rolling on that, which leads to rolling off of that, which leads to nocking things over, which leads to goofy kid comments, which leads to me leaving. In any case, I would probably only recommend using an exercise ball as a chair if you life in a giant studio apartment with nothing to kick over.

Was damn cold out all day, when I tried to leave my car wouldn’t start. Now I am prepared for this which is why I put a bottle of premium fuel line deicer in when I had filled up my tank, however it wasn’t doing the trick after several attempts to start the car. So I got out of the car and kicked it, to my delight the next time I tried to start it, it did.

I went home and out of reflex went to go use the hottub, but getting out there I once again realized how bloody windy it was and decided to just call it a night. I gotta say this has been the most original Thanksgiving ever!

               

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