Feeling the pain, with nothing to say
Trying so hard to live the next day
What am I to do, Where am I to go
When there is no one to turn to that I cared for so much
Than the person who hurt me and fucked me all up
Why did it happen and end things this way…
With no hope of fixing what was broken that day
So I sit and I wonder why did it happen..

I come to no conclusions, no answer, no end
She may not know it… not even a little…
But my time with her had made me content
A happier person whom had no regrets
But it all ended, it is now over
What was once, is now nothing and can not be mended
I was told I should of known, that it was bound to happen
But what did I know, I was so in love and nothing else mattered
Our love was frought with perils and pleasures but nothing I hated, nope nothing at all
She says that it’s better for us to part, that it’s better for me and that it’s all her fault
To accept that would be like saying,

“Everything i felt, well it just didn’t matter. Why did it not?
Well because I just know, that I would be better off alone.
Away from the perils the pleasures and problems
I guess what I have done it was just trivia, in the trial of life, just a step to jump over”.

Yet I can not say such crazy things
For I know what I felt was not just delusion
There was something there, that was not worth loosing

Yet it is lost, and not coming back
For I won’t allow it because I know it is best
So I might as well get on with my life
Every step that I take will be quite a fight
But somehow I will manage, I always do
Still the pain that she caused me can never be healed
It is part of me, and now part of her

So I sit around screaming in silence
Trying to figure how to take my next step
So I move to the garden of remorse and regret
Hoping my next step will get me past it
I wait for the day when it all passes
Then I can look back and say it was fun while it lasted
Till then I hope that I can survive
Knowing full well that once was can never again
So I shall not seek it, nor move that direction
For it causes confusion, and other sad things that can tear me to pieces and leave nothing left

So I will sit and accept my defeat knowing someday my life will again be complete
We learn from the trials and memories that we endure
It shapes us
It makes us
It is who we are
Yet I can’t help but wonder what would it have been like, if I had no reason to scream, not even in silence

-James Lyngaas
sometime in 2000 (a day after a girl cheated on me).