Hitchhiker Stories

Wednesday, December 27th, 2006 | Life

So I was on my way to Wisconsin from Arizona. It’s a Bloody Long Drive (yes, I said bloody, no I’m not British, get over it…). I planned to drive straight through, because I am just that damn hard core. Well, it seems that just sitting staring at an unchanging road forever makes it difficult to stay awake.

So I needed a way to stay awake. A thought came to me. I should pick up a hitchhiker. Being the type who never worries about things (i might have Ataraxia), I decided to make sure that the hitch hiker was really shady looking. Yes, I know you are thinking this is counter intuitive, however I had a reason. The more shady the guy looked, the better I would stay awake having to keep an eye on him.

I passed one guy who looked pretty normal, and decided not to slow down. Then I saw this other guy. Oh, he was the one… He had a big white beard, and an army coat. He looked like he had been hitchin’ for the last 40 years. Upon closer inspection he had some really funky multi colored teeth and smelled like he might not remember how to shower. Yes, I knew this would keep me alert.

I decided to offer him a ride as far as Oklahoma City (250 miles away at this point). He came along and decided to tell me some stories. Stories that helped me stay awake even more. Like the story about how he went to jail once after his place was raided for 40,000 in stolen goods. Then he told me how his sisters place was raided for drugs, but he managed to get away from that.

He informed me that he had survived 3 police shootouts. One of which was when he was hitching and a guy decided to try to outrun the cops to the border. It seems that when the guy finally pulled over (after he had a few extra bullet holes in his car) that he kept his hands up and said he was just hitching and the cops just let him go.

He later told me a story about how he used to be a rancher, and one day was going to sell a bunch of cows to somebody for $.78 a lb. So the night before him and a couple other guys dumped 500lbs of salt into the feed tank. The cows ate the salt, and then drank water all night.

The next morning he said they all weighed about 100lbs more. The guy who bought them even knew of this trick and asked him if he did this, which of course he denied. Then the dumbass who bought them proceeded to pay in cash.

Yes, picking up shady looking hitchers is not for the feint of heart, but damn if it didn’t work even better than I had planned. I was wide awake the entire time, I survived, and nothing was stolen.

               

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