Ever in my mind

Sunday, November 18th, 2007 | Insanely long, Life

I was just sitting in the chair playing some music. New to me music that has no prior associations and once again I am hit with the “damn, I bet Beth would really like this song”. Yet, now I will never know. Well I know she would have, but now she never will. For the most part, I get through most of the days without any “never more” thoughts. I can focus on my own life and how to improve it. So far I have actually been improving it. I am exercising every day (no joke) & paying off debt. I am active and fairly productive.

Yet, I go to work and I say I will go in with my A Game today and kick out more posts than anybody else like I was consistently doing before at the end of September and beginning of October. Yet I can never do quite that much. I just can’t focus on the task at hand anymore. It’s not that my mind is flooded with negative or sad thoughts. It just won’t grip onto any one thought.

I used to make my sister laugh. When I lived in Wisconsin she wouldn’t sleep on Fridays and would come hang out with me during the day. She would be really over-tired from not sleeping and if she hung out with somebody else she would get cranky. Yet with me I could just make her laugh. So we would often go out for lunch and by the end of lunch we always had our waitresses convinced that we were crazy (well, not exactly a stretch), because we would be laughing so hard.

I enjoyed that, and enjoyed the time we spent together. Yet I was growing older and my sister was older than me. I needed to break away from my friends and my family and leave. I needed a break from it. I needed to make new friends and to force my sister to do the same by me leaving.

I did. She didn’t.

She absorbed a couple of my friends that had lived in the Madison area and latched on to them very hard. She had known them through me before I had left. It was comfortable. It was easy since she didn’t have to meet new people. In her dishonesty she would just bitch about how hard it was to make friends. If she had to be honest with herself she would have actually said that she didn’t want to make more friends because then more people would have had to see her suffer and she would have just made their lives more miserable. This is what she actually believed.

As I have lived in Arizona since April of 2006 now she came to visit me once. The trip was paid for half by me and half by my mother. I was glad to see her and vice versa but she was so damn miserable inside and couldn’t outwardly think of anything except the money it was costing to be there. Took her and some friends out on the town and she was just miserable the entire time. This was so foreign to me because I have always made her happy.

I knew she was fucked up inside, but she has always tried to hide it from me when she can. Still, she left early and I was glad to see her go. She was being a bitch and I wasn’t happy with it.

She left and on the way home she broke down. Seems she had a panic attack and cried for 12-14 hours straight. I mean she was clearly sick and suffering, but I could not see it. To me she was just my same old crazy sister, and I would not take any more crap from her on a crazy day than I would on a non-crazy day.

Despite me seeing it as a lousy time for all involved. She said she enjoyed her time in Arizona and wanted to move here. She started saving up so that she could move here. I warned her that I would NOT live with her. That we would end up killing each other. She agreed and set that as a goal. Go to the nice warm place where her brother lived.

Me, this didn’t seem like such a great deal. I had moved away from Wisconsin to be my own independent person and did not need my sister brining me down.

Well, Fuckin’ A. Now I would give anything to have her live in Arizona making me miserable.

I miss being able to call her and say random things about nothing. I miss being able to give her shit about not being able to think of the word flashlight (one time, long ago). I just miss knowing that somebody else in the world needed me. That somebody gave a shit about the stupid things that I do.

See it kills me because I have something my sister never had. I have a lot of friends who would listen to me and actually care. However I don’t have anything to say to them. There is just no part of a conversation that I can have with them that will resemble the conversations I had with my sister. It is something torn that can never be mended.

Most days I will be fine. Unfocused, but fine. Today I was totally fine until right before I started to write this. Yet, now I can hear her voice in my head saying “hey kid”. I can hear a conversation that never happened, and never will. I can see her in my mind and I wish I couldn’t because it’s not real. Because seeing her and really thinking about her is harder than not thinking about her. It’s eating at every one of my senses until I cannot breath.

I am not an emotional person and I held it together like a fucking rock when I needed to, but now as the people and things in my life gain more distance from me I can’t help but to get drawn in. To be just another example of psychology’s 5 fucking stages.

I am a non-emotional optimist with a good outlook on the future, who never dwells on the past and whom rarely worries. Yet for all of who I am, nothing in life prepares you to accept something just because you understand it.

“hey kid”… It’s just there. I know why it’s there and I know it’s not real. Yet If I were holding a seminar right now to teach people what I would know I would tell them that all we are is our memories. I would tell them that we can change and shape our memories and our perspectives to move beyond things. I could tell them how to make the memories more or less intense at will and thereby change their entire life.

Yet, I can’t bring myself to do the same thing to my own memories. I do not want to loose them, or change them at all. I don’t wish to have a different perspective on them, or make them less intense. I want to just be ok and go on with my life, but only time will let me do this.

I shall never forget her, even in death, even if it pains me she will live on forever in my mind.

               

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