A Relationship in Time

Monday, November 12th, 2007 | Life

The weather is perfect tonight,it’s been perfect for days. The cool breeze feels amazing in the (mostly) bug free air. I am tired, so tired. Last night I only had a few hours sleep and the night before I didn’t sleep at all (unless you count work as sleep). I am a good sleeper typically. I can go to sleep on command within 3 or 4 minutes. However when your mind is filled with thoughts that it cannot process it does not want to let you change your focus.

I suppose I should mention that I have a girlfriend. However nothing is ever simple. She lives in Wisconsin and I live in Arizona.

Have you ever tried to make a LONG distance relationship work? It’s tricky. The relationship is being run by text messages (I kid you not) and it’s very hard to keep up a connection and convey emotion through text. So I end up over analyzing everything. I think to myself “why didn’t she respond to that? did I say something wrong? did she misinterpret what I said? is the world just fucking with me by giving me an amazing connection to an amazing girl and then drive a 2000 mile wedge in it?”.

Now I pride myself on my big head. Yes, I know a little bit of everything and I like to learn new things and to help other people to learn the things that I know. However there really is no solution to “not knowing”. So I end up probing for answers to things that just don’t currently have answers.

We both have our own sad stories: Me? My sister just died and I seem oblivious to it. I almost called her the other day as I was driving home. I wanted to call somebody that would want to hear from me and I went to her phone number in my cell. I mean how fucked up is that? There is now one less person in the world who gives a shit about me. Sure I still have a lot of friends and a website with a lot of visitors but none of it seems to amount for anything if I can’t call my sister and tell her stories about it.

Her? Most of the people she cares about have moved away and she is in constant pain from an injury that she needs to have surgery on (again). I try to cheer her up about it, but I am unable to earnestly empathize with her pain and since I cannot physically be there for her I become just another onlooker. I feel like I am poking her with a stick everyday when I ask how she’s doing because I know that she’s probably not doing that well.

Where will the relationship go? It’s so hard to say. The distance makes it so hard, because I sincerely want to be with her, but cannot be. I’d like to think it will endure and thrive, but only time will tell. As it stands I will see her at the very end of the year when I make another trip back to Wisconsin. My friends have mixed opinions. A couple of them think I should just shack up with random girls and abandon my long distance relationship. That for one will not happen. I made a real connection with this girl and I am a straight up relationship guy who just want to be with somebody who really wants to be with me (for more than a night).

I am going to make mistakes and say the wrong thing from time to time. I do however believe that we make mistakes for a reason and that the things that we say and do wrong today will make us into stronger people tomorrow.

Right now I am trapped in time:
-Past: My childhood made me strong, and made me into what I am today. It is only through great trials that we can see our own path in life and can choose to change it.
-Present: 2007 has hit me like a cannonball and left me with holes that cannot be mended. Yet I have something real to hold on to now and I will fight to make it work.
-Future: The future holds so many great things, but I am blinded by the light that shines there so for now I keep my eyes closed.

The below song was on loop while I wrote this post.. The video for it is an “unofficial” video made by some random person, but I liked it so I am inserting it in this post. I am not trying to send a message with the song, I simply just heard it tonight and like the sound of the song.

               

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