Coffee, You Just Aren’t Making It Right

Wednesday, March 15th, 2006 | Helpful

Coffee? That stuff tastes nasty!! (I say) as my friend tells me he started drinking it the other day.

So Fuck Me. I have been told that coffee is easily the greatest liquid substance on this planet. I have never given it a chance because like beer… when you have coffee the first couple of times, there seems to be little if any point. However, looking beyond the initially unpleasant taste, most people want a cheep, legal way to get wired.

The first time you begin to nervously chew your fingernails off, rapidly tap your feet up and down on the floor, run around, impersonate your favorite punk rock vocalist, and otherwise be wired, should make the taste of coffee something pleasant henceforth…

This being cleared up, we can go on with the rest of the post, which is a compilation of recipes, ideas, stories, message captures, and pretty much a tribute to liquid caffinated bean beverages….

The Recipes

First of all, don’t expect to get wired off of one lightly sweetened cup of mild coffee, a dash of creamer, and some NutriSweet ….

Regular-Wake-Up-In-The-Morning-Go-To-School-On-4-Hours-Of-Sleep-Hot-Coffee:

Most people use instant. Since there is no time in the morning, or any other time of the day. So, when you wake up, it’s cold out, and you wanna be warm and awake, try this; Mix roughly 3 - 4 HEAPING teaspoons of insant coffee into your cup. Get some sugar and pour it in until it’s almost up to the bottom of the handle on the inside. Now, fill the rest with water. Microwave until steaming hot.

Neato-Wake-Up-At-2:00-In-The-Afternoon-Partied-Out-Help-Me-Quick-Coffee:

It’s not always, because of the temperature or time of day, that much fun to drink hot coffee. Here’s a bunch of recipe’s I found for iced coffee…

1. If you’re using instant, make up a cup of 3 - 4 spoonfull coffee. Pour in about twice as much sugar. Instead of water, pour in cold milk. Mix it up. This is the easiest, simplest - and believe it or not, good tasting - coffee recipe for warm days. If you prefer regular coffee (well who doesn’t, but if you prefer it over instant enough to actually go through the trouble of making it every time), just make some up REALLY REALLY thick. We’re talking some serious sludge here...This should be rememberd for all the following recipes, as well.

2. Get some ice cream. Vanilla should do. Chocolate would probably work. You can get adventurous with like, Mocha Almond Fudge Strawberry, etc. if you want. Anyway, get about half a cup full of your ice cream. If it’s really solid, mash it up with a spoon for awhile. Make some serious sludge coffee, with instant or non, i mean SERIOUS sludge this time, and mix it in with half milk. Pour this to the top of your coffee mug, and stir until your sludge, ice cream, and milk have all mixed properly. Drink.

3. Mix about half your cup with Coca-Cola, and the other half iced coffee. Alternativley, you could make root beer or Coca-Cola floats and mix half of that with half coffee... I am told to inform you that this is a don’t nock it until you try it recipe.

4. Get crushed ice. Either get some ice cubes and put them in the blender, or wrap them up in a cloth and pretend like those cubes are the inside of the head of a local law enforcement official. Once you have sufficiently annhilated your ice into tiny shards, conragulate yourself. Get some chocolate syrup and squirt lines of it around the outside of your cup in a kinda pretty spiral design. Dump your crushed ice in until it fills up a little less than 3/4 of the cup. Now, take a bit of coffee made from the first recipe (cold milk and coffee), and put it into the cup of ice until it’s full.

5. Take roughly two teaspoons of instant coffee, drop about 1 1/2 teaspoons of chocolate milk mix, and mix the rest with cold milk. Stir well. Yummy.

6. There is no reason, of course, to be sane. If you have the materials, the sense of adventure, and the willingness to live on the edge for a few years and simply not wake up one morning; experiment. Why not mix ALL these recipes into one?? What wouldn’t be good about a root beer float - instant coffee - crushed ice - chocolate syrup - coca-cola - cold milk - chocolate mix coffee drink … personally, I don’t drink coffee at all, and have writen this post just for a reason to screw off on a different project…. but none-the-less It might just work for ya so why not try?!

Ok, so you own your own coffee maker. Here is something they won’t tell you to try in the instructions:

Double Brew it!
1. Brew a pot of coffee.
2. Repour that pot into the coffee maker, and refill the coffee grinds.
3. Rebrew.

Here is one man’s account of what it did to him:

I drank about 3 cups of this stuff and was actually sick. I drank it at about 12 at night and was up at 6 in the morning with my mind going a million miles a second and my stomach feeling like shit. Around 3:00 AM I felt like I was actually ‘high’. I couldn’t think straight, and everything just had a weird feeling to it.

Granted, I did use a sick amount of grind for both brews. Still, play it safe, a cup of it will probably be enough to have you bouncing off the walls. If you want, you can always try stewing your favorite caffinated tea with it, although it just makes the already nasty taste a million times worse

Good Times

               

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