Government Uses FedEx to Smuggle Contraband

Tuesday, November 25th, 2008 | Smartass | 4 Comments

So while my friend and I were driving to Wisconsin last week we got stopped in Missouri where all traffic was being forced to exit for an accident ahead.

The accident which I could see fairly clear was a FedEx truck that wasn’t moving. Now it was only using one lane and wasn’t scattered all over the road. It looked as if the truck just stopped moving and broke down.

There did not appear to be any other vehicles that had collided with the truck so one would assume that they would just slow down traffic and keep them in just one lane.

Since everybody was getting sent to the right upon exit we ignored them and we went to the left and used GPS to find our way back to the interstate.

During our process we saw a tow truck and a FedEx truck going towards the broken down truck. Then we continued to see a massive amount of FedEx trucks everywhere. Far more than would be needed to carry the packages.

We eventually got on the interstate again (at the same time as another FedEx truck was driving away from the scene). We had skipped probably 2 hours of stop and go driving with how far the traffic was backed up going to the right (suckers).

Still seeing what a huge deal was made out of this and how it all worked I would say that it would of happened the exact same way if a government truck carrying say, WOMD’s or other contraband had broken down.

So I have decided that FedEx is working with our nations leaders to help smuggle goods.

It makes perfect sense. Nobody will suspect that the million FedEx trucks on the road are anything but a standard package delivery system. Not even other truckers would suspect them. They stop at a truck stop and are wearing a FedEx hat and all is understood.

Before you rule this out for good I suggest you just start paying attention on the road. I didn’t see hardly any UPS trucks on the road, but after this for the rest of the trip we were seeing huge amounts of FedEx trucks… and UPS costs less and is available from more websites.

Now I don’t think they are all in on it. I think at least 50% of the FedEx trucks on the road are genuinely delivering our packages. It’s the other 50% I wonder about.

Attacked By Terrorists

Saturday, November 15th, 2008 | Smartass | 2 Comments

I have had a popcorn husk stuck in my throat near my adam’s apple for over a day now. If it was a normal piece of popcorn it would have dislodged while I was sleeping, however It has hung on. I have tried all sorts of things to get this dislodged but have failed.

The only reason I can see that I would fail would be if the popcorn were deliberately put into my bag of popcorn as a new type of terrorism.

I mean think about it. It’s very distracting. You are trying to talk, or breath or read something and you have to fight to get your mind to keep focus since all it wants to do is think about the piece of popcorn constantly stabbing at your throat.

I for one think as one of Bush’s last acts as president he should send more troops to various locations that might contain weapons of mass distraction like this popcorn.

Biggest Douche In The Universe 2008

Thursday, November 13th, 2008 | Smartass | 3 Comments

South Park started an awards ceremony once where they gave John Edwards an award for Biggest Douche in the Universe. In keeping with the tradition today I was given a web address of somebody that I believe should win the award for 2008.

So today I nominate Gary Johnson of Phenomenon1111.com.

I would elaborate on the reasons why, however it will only take you 2 minutes to read his entire website.

You Laugh, and Laugh

Saturday, March 1st, 2008 | GP, Smartass | 2 Comments

You ever have an experience that’s so funny, yet you don’t know why it’s funny. It just is. So you laugh, and you laugh. It’s like you know like you have an experience that’s so funny, yet you don’t know why it’s funny. It just is. So you laugh, and you laugh. It’s like you know like you have an experience that’s so funny, yet you don’t know why it’s funny. It just is. So you laugh, and you laugh. It’s like you know like you have an experience that’s so funny, yet you don’t know why it’s funny. It just is. So you laugh, and you laugh. It’s like you know like you have an experience that’s so funny, yet you don’t know why it’s funny. It just is. So you laugh, and you laugh. It’s like you know like you have an experience that’s so funny, yet you don’t know why it’s funny. It just is. So you laugh, and you laugh. It’s like you know like you have an experience that’s so funny, yet you don’t know why it’s funny. It just is. So you laugh, and you laugh. It’s like you know like you have an experience that’s so funny, yet you don’t know why it’s funny. It just is. So you laugh, and you laugh. It’s like you know like you have an experience that’s so funny, yet you don’t know why it’s funny. It just is. So you laugh, and you laugh. It’s like you know like you have an experience that’s so funny, yet you don’t know why it’s funny. It just is. So you laugh, and you laugh. It’s like you know like you have an experience that’s so funny, yet you don’t know why it’s funny. It just is. So you laugh, and you laugh. It’s like you know like you have an experience that’s so funny, yet you don’t know why it’s funny. It just is. So you laugh, and you laugh. It’s like you know like you have an experience that’s so funny, yet you don’t know why it’s funny. It just is. So you laugh, and you laugh. It’s like you know like you have an experience that’s so funny, yet you don’t know why it’s funny. It just is. So you laugh, and you laugh.

Happy Easter, Watch Southpark Here.

Sunday, April 8th, 2007 | Helpful, Smartass | No Comments

Ok, so I decided this was funny, and being that it’s easter I figured that I would just stick the whole bloody episode on the site to entertain everybody who doesn’t get watch it on cable (or download it).

South Park s11e05 - Fantastic Easter Special

Need better quality? Just download the torrent

Black Liquorish Flavored Kleenex

Monday, December 25th, 2006 | Helpful, Smartass | No Comments

Ok so you know those little travel packs of Kleenex they sell at gas stations? Well I bought some of those. I also bought some Black Liquorish flavored Altoids. Mmm.. Yum…. Well anywho, despite the tissue being inside a plastic wrapper and the Altoids being in a metal container, apparently they felt it necessary to merge.

Every one of my tissues has a strong liquorish smell to it. It’s a good thing I like liquorish. In fact I rather enjoy the Kleenex smelling like them as well. Though I’m sure passengers who used one would probably not feel the same.

Well this got me thinking. If I could give the smell and therefor the subconscious associations that go along with liquorish with just a tissue…. Then surely I could put other smells into my snot rags.

Think about it. Apple Pie Tissues, or Absinthe Tissues…. or dare I say it… Sex tissues! (I think they already exist…. just people don’t blow their noses on them.. hmm perhaps this flavor is not a good idea).

See I believe the best course of action now that I have left my job would be to start selling Smartass Tissues…. For when you just gotta blow. I mean jelly belly has some nasty ass flavors, but they sell a ton.

Skinny Woman Says: Suck My Lollypop and Get Skinny!

Friday, December 8th, 2006 | Smartass | No Comments

Would of posted this the other day but for some reason my blog couldn’t post. I had to upgrade it to fix it…

Anyways, No joke, the other day I saw this skinny 30 something woman and 2 BIG ol’ women (easily over 300lbs). The skinny chick was actually trying to sell the big women lollypops. Look I kid you not. I managed to read the brochure from a couple tables away, and they were “hoodia lollypops”.

I was blown away that this woman could even approach those suckers to try to sell them some suckers!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did take the liberty of typing it on google and sure enough, it’s called the lollypop diet. Ebay is selling them as “power pops”.

I’m sorry ladies, the skinny 30 something woman looks like she goes to the gym 2 times a day every day, and if she sucked some sucker to get ahead in life, it wasn’t a hoodia sucker……

Signs of the Apocalypse?

Sunday, November 26th, 2006 | Helpful, Smartass | 3 Comments

Today I saw a couple of the first signs of the apocalypse. That’s right….. The Four pointy sign dancers of the apocalypse. As legend goes (as best I remember it) the Four pointy sign dancers will dance through the land spreading propaganda and scaring small children.

Well, that’s exactly what happened. I saw 4 scary looking people with horns (or perhaps they were headphones… I was driving) all with pointy signs trying to direct people to a location, where they could no doubt pillage and plunder their money. One of the scary pointy sign dancers even sat unaffected as a little girl started crying.

Then I stopped at a gas station to catch my breath. Surely it was a coincidence. I went into the gas station and saw 7 Garden Gnomes (or perhaps 8, but gas station workers are not the best to follow orders), AND there was trumpet music playing!!!!!!!~!!!! I mean have you EVER heard trumpet music playing in a gas station???? and by 7 (or so) Gnomes???

Surely you can all connect the dots. I mean before today I had been sick, perhaps from the diseases that are spreading through the land (or maybe from overwork and alcohol). I mean all we need now is for the avian flu to hit here and the 3rd world war will break out and were all doomed then.

And look at the chaos going on around me? Expensive car problems, missing ipod, work actually considering giving me 5 days off at end of the year, bad internet connection (which went down again AS I WAS WRITING THIS..) to which you are now screwed as to when I will be able to warn you about this pending doom as quickly.

Be weary people, The Apocalypse is Near

No Creepy Old Guy, Don’t Touch My Ass!!!

Friday, November 17th, 2006 | Life, Smartass | 4 Comments

So yesterday I was getting a sandwich from Tropical Smoothie’s and all of a sudden this old guy gets up and starts mumbling about a joke and then touches my ass!!!!!!!!!! I was freaking out for a second before I realized that there had been a sticker on my ass. Yes, that’s right. Because I have to markup the cost of parts that I sell for work, I removed a sticker that said “Price Reduced: $28.48″ and threw it in my car.

I did not realize that I had then sat on the price reduced sticker. Yes, that’s right. I was for sale, and sadly my only offer was a creepy old guy who grabs first and explains later.

Still a little creeped out, I said thanks just to try to make it a little less awkward. I do believe that though it was a nice thing to do by removing it, it would have been nicer if he just came up in FRONT of me and told me that there was a sticker on my ass and that I should probably pull it off.

Protected: Can’t Get It Up?

Friday, November 17th, 2006 | Smartass | Enter your password to view comments