October16
Beginning of the month
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I paid rent today… for the second time since I am paying for one place AND living in another. I am ok with doing this because it means that despite having to come up with more money, I will not have to get defensive and prepared for war.
3rd
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It’s my mom’s birthday! Gave her a call, things going well and moving back to normal
4th
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I woke up with moderate vertigo. Just moving my head caused me to spin. I had been kicking some ass at work and actually wanted to go, but I was too bloody dizzy and couldn’t pin point why but I could not go to work.
My friend Chris sent me some messages that concerned me about my sister. I asked him straight if he thought she meant suicide and he said it was more like a “terminal disease” and that we should talk to her.
There are only 3 people my sister will REALLY talk to at this point. Me, my Mother and Chris. So
I call my mother and she has heard nothing.
She calls my sister and gets no response, leaves a message.
5th
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No response, no call back.. we are now fairly worried.
6th
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My final day off and I’m still bloody dizzy so I had to make a doctors appointment.
Then Beth calls me. I kept trying to hint at things but never threw anything at her. I wanted her to tell me on her own. She seemed very in check with her emotions and just referred to herself as her usual crazy self. I asked her what was wrong but she wouldn’t say anything. I was not satisfied with what she said…
My mom got a hold of my sister, and she was acting completely normal. For awhile she refused to admit anything was wrong. So my mother told her what she had heard from me… There was silence… Eventually she said she had gone to her local pill pusher and he had informed her that meds don’t work seem to work for her and that she had two choices. Either she could get electroshock therapy (which isn’t proven to help at all for people who have bipolar) or she could go on massive doses of anti-psychotics / anti-convulsants (which would make her into a vegetable). She was unwilling to go with either one of these options and instead of trying to find another doctor, or another answer she just decided that she would not do either choice, but in not taking her pills she knew she would go totally crazy.
So she told my mother that she had some connections and had gotten together a new identity, and she was going to go away so we did not have to suffer along with her.
My mom though upset about this, believed her and tried to get her to stay, but her mind was made up and she didn’t want to be confused with the facts.
She informed our mother that she wanted to leave with the last conversation with her brother being peaceful, so that I would just remember her as my “crazy sister”.
I discovered after this that she was also giving away a lot of her stuff…. not selling it.
later
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I have been worried, which I never worry, so I call a couple of her friends to just call her and see if she is ok. I do not believe the “new identity” thing and am hoping the people telling me she is just looking for attention are right, but I don’t believe them either so I called a couple other people to go check on her.
7th
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She sends me 3 text messages. They appear to be her going away messages.
Nobody’s calls were answered but she is still sending Chris text messages, so hopefully she really is just “going away”. Still, I don’t for a moment believe the new identity thing so I send somebody else over to check on her and she says her car was there, not packed, and her A/C was running. That’s all I could get out of them.
8th
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Unsatisfied with the last person I sent to check on her Chris agrees to leave early in the morning and go check on her. He has an hour to drive, but after I think he would be there I send him another text message from work.
He told me to call him, and he always prefers text so I knew my sister was dead.
He had to let the police into the apartment. She had shot herself. Sorry if I am not prettying this up but this is how it happened.
I told my boss a quick version of what happened and I left. I got a plane ticket but it didn’t leave for awhile that day. So I started calling people, lots of people to tell them what happened. While still waiting for the plane I went running. There was nothing else I could do.
My friend Josh picks me up in Milwaukee and I stay over at his place.
9th
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Life has come to a halt, and nothing is getting done. The coroner had some lock box with notes to me and my mom as well as some other paperwork in it, but he would not release it until both my mother and father signed for it because they could not find an official will.
Nothing is progressing except arguments between my family.
I stayed at Josh’s place again and he says something that really sets me off. He meant well but it came off badly. He said “You seem a little too ok with this”, he said it because I had been laughing and watching tv and doing normal things. So I snapped and said “how the fuck am I supposed to act”. I mean I really didn’t know. I haven’t cried, and I have just been working on what I need to do for this crazy situation. He takes it hard because he was just trying to help.
10-12th
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My mom keeps not being able to leave due to all sorts of things, but without her getting to WI, nothing was getting done. So I found a way to get the keys to her apartment and Chris and I went to her apartment. I only wanted to walk as far as the computer. I found some documents on it that were VERY helpful and I printed them off. It was the first real progress we had since we didn’t have the box.
I have been managing the different sides of the family as best as I can. My dad hasn’t spoken to my mother in 9 years and he has nothing but hatred for everything when he tries to communicate.
13th
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I wasn’t satisfied with the “no service | no obituary | no reception” response I was getting from my dad’s half of the family so I said screw ‘em and I threw a get together myself at a bar in Madison.
The gathering went really well. My mom was in town and virtually every single person I invited came as well as a couple others. There was a letter my sister had written to “anybody and everybody I ever loved” and my mother had written another letter about Beth and we handed out a lot of copies of those.
It went really well and as it was breaking up Chris / Isaac told me that I needed to go with them to the Essen Haus for a ‘boot’. I decided that was a lot of beer so I said that Tom (stepdad) needed to come and also my mother to help me finish some of the beer off.
We got there and they were out of da boots. So instead we ’settled’ for a 5 liter beer (that had a $120 deposit on the stein). We drank all that and THEN we had a boot which became available after Isaac made friends with somebody at another table. So we drank that too.
A little toasted, but still feeling good we left, but stayed at a friends in Madison instead of driving home.
I ended up staying up till sometime in the morning talking to a wonderful girl whom I had met before, but never really knew.
14th
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More phone calls etc..
15th
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We actually got the lock box today but we have to go start cleaning out my sisters apartment. However my mom won’t read her letter (for good reason) until after she leaves the apartment.
Not a pleasant thing to mention but the crime scene cleaners have not made it to the apartment yet, however my mom insists we get started. So I ran in ahead of her to close the bedroom door.
The apartment smelled awful, but at the time I was able to get past it and I insisted that my mom did NOT go into the room. I had not gone in and neither should she. There was NOTHING in there she needed to see.
Well I went out to throw away some trash and came back in while she was walking out of the room. I was pissed because I told her not to and she had ignored me. She acted ok with it but she was not. I know damn well that she held up a front and then let it out later. Yes, she has thick skin and will be able to handle it… eventually…. but there was no reason to do it.
I eventually left and picked up my friend in Janesville and went to a bar for a couple drinks.
16th
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I spent 3+ hours talking to my father this morning and trying to help him leave the past in the past so that he could handle the situation that was in front of him now. As it stands he hasn’t been dealing with the last 2 weeks, but the last 15 years.
We got a moving vehicle today to take stick furniture and other crap in the back. My sister had SOOO much accumulated crap. The ‘cleaners’ still have not been here despite the apartment complexes call to me saying they got a different company to do it. Still, as far as I’m concerned we NEVER have to go in the bedroom. There was 0 reasons to do it and no stuff that is in there needs to be saved at all.
Same thing happened, only this time it was Tom. He decided to be ‘manly’ or some bullshit and go get all the fucking stuff out of the room and half ass clean the place up. I walk in to see that after another trash run and am really pissed off. I mean WTF purpose will it serve. So the cleaners haven’t gotten there yet, so what. Either they will later and then you can go in, or you will need to leave before they come and you never go in. Both seem like valid / rational options to me. The apartment complex can dispose of the stuff in there on their own.
Until this point I have showed virtually no emotion. I have simply managed things. It’s not that I am trying to be “brave” for everybody, I simply have only had thoughts of still living, getting by, getting things done. However In that apartment my heart beats faster and my energy is drained. So I would work fast to fill up a garbage bag and take it outside for air (garbage is a long ways away from the door).
Yet with that door open and the pungent smell coming from it, I was having a hard time breathing and keeping in check. I left for the night because I had hauled out most of the stuff and it was obvious that they didn’t want to listen to me.
I left there and everything hit me at once. For the first time since this has started I am “showing emotion” over the situation. I was having trouble breathing, and I just felt miserable.
Look, it’s not that I don’t want to be emotional over this. Hell, then I could better relate to people who are ‘expecting’ it from me. It’s that I have been in control over the situation. A fucked up situation that nobody should ever have to deal with, but I have been dealing with it. Now all of a sudden a door opens and I loose my control.
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I don’t know what will happen next. I only have a few days left in Wisconsin, and the number of things I need to do is decreasing. I will fly back to Arizona and go on with my life. In this shitty time in my life, I can still see hope and the possibility of something better to come from my time here.
It will take time to get past this, but I have a lot of time left.
The below section is a letter my sister wrote to ‘anyone and everyone she ever loved’
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Dear Anyone and Everyone I Love,
If you are reading this then I have died. Try not to be too sad. It was my time to go, and I feel that I have simply moved on. This life has been difficult, but I have tried to do my best and to be the best person I could be. I may not have always succeeded in my goals, and like everyone I had my share of faults, but I don’t have many regrets. We learn through experience. I think I had more experiences than many other people have in a longer lifetime, so I must have learned a lot. Guess I was pretty smart when I died, huh? =)
I’d like to share some of the most important things that I learned. Love, friendship, and honesty are things to be treasured, even though they can sometimes be difficult. Money isn’t a character trait. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes life easier. Insurance companies suck. Try never to judge anyone until you really get to know them; looks and first impressions can be deceiving. Try to give others the benefit of the doubt unless you know something beyond a shadow of a doubt. Faith is a wonderful thing to have if it’s real, but trying to force it on someone can be detrimental. People of any faith can be either good or bad. Watch TV less and listen to music more. Ask for help when you need it. You can’t help how you feel, so don’t be afraid to feel how you do. Forgive people when they wrong you, no matter how long it takes you to be willing; it’s always a great relief to you to let go of it. Every one is human, and we all make mistakes. Help others when you are able, but make sure that you take care of yourself so that you are able. Read lots of books. Have pets; when they love you, it’s unconditional. Things are not always what they seem. Try to do your best at everything you do. Never stop learning. Be a good listener before you learn to be a good talker. Treat others as you would like to be treated, not necessarily like they have treated you. Encourage others in their interests. What others think of you doesn’t matter as long as you think well of yourself. People will think what they want to no matter what you tell them. I’m not always right, and neither are you; admit it when you’re not. Apologize when you hurt someone or you have done something wrong. And maybe most importantly, live now. Now is the only time you have.
I’d like to think that I’ve made a difference for the better to at least one person. As I write this, I’m not afraid of death, just what it will mean for those I leave behind. I want you to know that if I ever loved you, then I always did. I don’t have it in me to stop loving anyone, no matter what the circumstances. I wish everyone a wonderful life filled with more happiness than tears. Whenever you see a sunset, think of me and try to smile. Like the sunset, I’m not gone forever, just gone from sight, and maybe I’ll see you again someday.
All My Love,
Beth =)