Fat Man in Little Shorts

Saturday, March 25th, 2006 | Stolen | No Comments

GASKLJSLKDJGSALDGJASDLGKJsd. That’s how I feel right now, because I just wrote a damn page worth for this post, only to have my computer crash and turn itself off!!! I mean this computer crashing crap has got to go.

I have no specific factor to declare as what is causing it, but I THINK it’s the multiple monitors. So HOPEFULLY ATI will release some new drivers soon and they will fix my problem. However it could be my soundcard as well since I always have audio on… The frequent crashes have wrecked havoc on my Terabyte and have just been an all out nuisance to things like my writing motivation.

See now you get an abridged version of what there was before. Perhaps that is best as last time there was 2 paragraphs describing an almost naked, fat, gay dude who was jiggling his boobs. So now all I will tell you is that he was the lead singer of a band at a music festival that my sister went to see. My sister described him as a trainwreck. Where you don’t want to look, but can’t seem to look away.

After his band which consisted of creepy him, a guy in long underwear that had written on it “I Love Martin” and a girl with pink hair that just wishes she had boobs as big as the gay dude, there was some other crappy band. They were stoned and depressing and couldn’t sing in key, and I was really doubting this music festival.

We went out to get something to drink and I (who had tried to sleep earlier in the day from exhaustion due to lack of sleep previous night and a long car ride back from Eau Claire) sat down and just crashed.

I mean the only thing keeping me awake was people watching and a crappy painting with a naked chick with puffy nipples. Until the next band came on. This one got me up and back into the stage area to listen, because well… They were REALLY DAMN GOOD.

It had 2 singers in it. The main singer is a girl who’s voice sounds like Dolores O’Riordan (from the Cranberries), who was also playing a synthesizer. There was also a guy who sang and played guitar, another one was this one dude who was playing (I shit you not) an accordion and sometimes a bass, and some guy who was really good on the drums.

The band was named Headlights. They were so good that I went and bought all their cd’s after the show. My sister wanted me to convince her to give me the cd’s for free, but I wouldn’t even consider trying that with a small little band that’s not on the radio. I settled for offering them a website. To which they do have one, and though it’s not great. It’s not bad either. If I pushed it hard enough I could probably get them to let me redesign it, but I don’t know what I would do to one up it.

At any rate this band did 8 songs I think. The first 4 they considered “in space” which we decided were Trip Hop, and the last few songs were “down to earth” Rock. I liked the spacey ones better but it was all pretty good. I will update this post with torrent links once I start seeding them on OiNK.

After that, I figured the bands that came after might actually be good, but I was so damn tired that we left before we could find out.

Hmm, seems OiNK really is king. Both of their EP’s are already uploaded. I could upload the live album, but the recording quality of the show was not that high.
The Enemies (EP) [torrent]
EP2 (EP) [torrent]

Their Website
Their MySpace Page

Eau Claire Let Down

Friday, March 24th, 2006 | Helpful | No Comments

Ok, so I went with a friend to Eau Claire the other night. He was going to visit some family, and in the process I was going to get to hang out with some of his cousin’s friends, who all just happen to be single girls who like to drink.

This sounded like a whole lot of fun to me so I went along. The plan was that there was going to be 2 parties. Drinking on Friday and then an official party on Saturday. However things did not go according to plan exactly.

The girls decided NOT to drink on Friday, and well… lets just say conversation with them was less than desirable. There was only 1 hot girl, and another that was ok, and few that were a bit scary. However beyond their looks, there were no brains.

The one that was hot, thought she was Alicia Silverstone and kept acting like the girl from clueless. To be true to the story she has just gotten a credit card Friday morning, and had maxed it out by Friday afternoon.

At the end of the night after listening to them talk all day, I got to sleep on a couch (after much cajoling on my part as to not have to sleep on the floor), for a couple of hours.

So now it’s morning and we are supposed to be there all day again with the girls until the party. I am informed that the hot (18 year old) girl just needs to get laid, and that once she starts drinking that she will most likely start making out with me and then (assuming other guys don’t show up to this party) I will probably get to bang her like a drum.

About the time I am informed of this, my friend says I need to start talking more since I was pretty quiet the night before. However I think about that and realize that I did not want to talk to these girls any more. I felt like I was loosing brain power every time they responded to something I said.

So In a rare moment of self-respect, I decided that we should leave. I decided that I did not want to loose more brain power sitting around all day with these girls and my friend had visited his cousins enough for a lifetime as well so it was not super difficult to convince him to leave.

Ok, I know. I really do need to get laid, but I have become kind of picky in my “old” age. I need to be stimulated mentally as well as physically. Or at least have a brain bigger than a peanut ya know? I’m sure push come to shove if I was really drunk I may have a different opinion on this matter, but I was not.

90%

Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006 | Stolen | 3 Comments

Ok, so if you couldn’t tell by the post title, I figure I am feeling about 90% better. I was going to not write anything at all except 90% and see how many people caught on, but I knew that was futile.

Then I thought: I should instead go to uglypeople.com and get a nasty picture and call it “before today” and then get a picture of Antonio Banderas and call it “after today”, knowing THEN you would understand the 90%… However I realized that neither my worst days nor my best days would I rate in either extreme…

Then I thought: “why the hell did so many people go to see The March of Penguins when the ONLY previews for it were of people saying how much they enjoyed it?”, but I quickly realized that thought doesn’t further this post at all!

Then I thought: perhaps all I need to do is say that I slept through an entire night and didn’t remember any crazy ass dreams and instinctively you would know that I was 90% better, but I pondered that only long enough to know that some people don’t read my posts in oldest-newest first order, and well others…. they are just lucky to be able to read, so getting them to try to make associations between connected ideas spanning multiple days…. that’s just wack.

Then I thought: I think too god damn much, it will probably be better just spell it out for them in the first paragraph so that I can save myself the effort of trying to come up with a way to trick them into understanding

Then I thought: I really don’t have anything interesting to write about tonight, so maybe I should really embed subliminal messages inside this post, knowing that if I mention them, even more people will look for them and then the messages will become even more clear and focused and will be so much more effective at teaching you all the things that I want you to learn. You will be so focused that you will read this post again, just to try to figure out what dark shit I am trying to embed into your brains. Yet all the while, you are only furthering my cause own while trying to discover it for yourself.

Then I thought: ………………………………. …………………………………. …………………………………… …………………………………………………. ……………………………… …………………………………………………. ……………………………………. .. ………………………………………………………………………….. ………………. ……………….. ……………….. ……………………………………………………………. …………………………………..
………………… .. ………………………………. ……………………………………………………………………………..

Then I thought:

…they probably won’t believe me that I stuck subliminal messages in here anyways, but that is just because they are incapable of discovering all 4 different types!!!!

Still Nasty

Tuesday, March 21st, 2006 | GP | No Comments

Being sick is annoying, but then having to feel like this for days is really obnoxious. Today I decided I needed to eat some food, so I ate. However I can’t seem to digest my food now, so I question if that was the right decision.

I know, nobody wants to hear lousy news. So here’s instead last night’s dream’s. This time I seemed to be some sort of millitary leader. I am fairly sure I was in Munich. I think I was actually a floating head.

There was a lady that was nice enough to wipe out my mouth (I had cotton mouth) so that I could speak. Then I was talking to somebody who introduced me to some hot blonde woman. Who the only detail I could get about her is that she was some sort of religious chick.

Well it seems she wanted my painting. I am not quite sure what this painting was or why she would want it, but though I enjoyed flirting with her (as I am sure most floating heads would), I would not give it to her.

This dream was a lot more dream like than the last dream. The last dream was so clear was to what was going on. This one just didn’t make much sense.

Zombie Cover Up

Monday, March 20th, 2006 | Helpful, Stolen | No Comments

Ya know when you sleep like ass you remember your dreams right? Well, today I remember my dreams. Needless to say they are some fucked up shit.

For some reason I was at my old Elementary School, at least the outside of the building was an exact match for that, but the inside was totally different. People inside this building were being killed left and right and the only people who were able to freely roam the halls were the Doctors, and the Zombie looking dude’s.

Now most of my dream was trying to sneak around this building. I never once figured out what was going on, but I did manage to steal a doctor’s uniform and badge and escape.

However when I got outside, I decided I had to go back in and save some other people. The people in this dream very clearly had faces, which is extremely odd for dreams. One of the people I saved was named Mark. I used to hang out with Mark a long time ago, but rarely see now.

The other people though they had faces, I did not recognize them. But I saved 2 other people that seemed like they would be important.

Then I was going to get in my car to leave. However it seems I first tried to steal another person’s car before going to mine. The other person’s car I was able to start, but after seeing the entire first row of cars were able to be started I did not trust that car and I went out and found my own car.

I was worried that they had logged my license plate down and would be hunting for me so I disappeared. The news came on after I disappeared. I was not there to watch it since I had disappeared but there was no news of any sort of crisis going on. Seems the whole thing was covered up, and with me having disappeared their was nobody to stop them.

That’s where it ends. All in all the dream had a fairly straight forward flow to it. I mean other than the disappearing thing where me and the people I saved just stopped being in the dream, everything went in chronological order and seemed to make sense, although I don’t know why I was there and why they were killing so many people…

The zombie’s were not very scary. The doctors and the men in riot gear seemed to be the only ones I was avoiding, because they were the only ones killing people.

Tequila, Leave Shyness Behind.

Sunday, March 19th, 2006 | Life | 1 Comment

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, increased sexual desire, increased plasticity of sexual orientation, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.

(I didn’t write this, I just wanted to hear Stephen Hawking say it (click speaker icon on thesmartass.info/ )

Fucked Duck

Sunday, March 19th, 2006 | Helpful | No Comments

So, I have been really fucking sick for the last couple days. Yesterday I couldn’t generate any body heat. I had to go out to the hottub just to warm up since being wrapped up in 6 blankets didn’t help at all.

Yesterday, I turned down 2 parties and couldn’t even bring myself to work on my websites. Today, still feeling like ass I drugged myself and have spent most of the day laying in bed. This has been kind of a crappy month and I have not spent much time writing blog posts.

I was gonna backdate some, but I still am not batting 100 so instead of backdating here is a quick list of what I would of wrote about, had I spent the time:

• I sold my computer to my friend, and then built myself a new one. I now have 2 monitors going at once (not to mention the TV out at same time).
• My terabyte took a dive, but after a day or two I managed to fix it again. I will need to start earning more money so I can buy enough hard drive space to copy everything off and format the drive before it is totally dead.
• I watched the movie V For Vendetta on Madison’s new IMAX theater. The theater was fantastic and the movie was absolutely brilliant. I HIGHLY recommend this movie, even if you have never heard of it….
• Fixed a guy’s computer and then we were going to go drinking, he asked how much he owed me and I said “I drink for free tonight”. For future reference, this phrase though effective, is probably not a good idea.
• Good thing for neighbor’s with unsecured wireless internet connections.
• I am having a problem getting the focus to work on my ask-a-smartass page. All that means is when you click a link on the Atom feed, it does not go to the correct post ;( This has been the bane of my existence for the past week or so…
• I have completely replaced my computer shell (desktop, startmenu, taskbar etc..) with Stardock’s Object Dock Plus. When spread between 2 monitors it is very versatile.
• Due to bad timing I have not finished the Pimp Your Firefox page, that I said I would finish. However all the plugin’s I use are uploaded at /firefoxpimp/
• My chair that I spent so much time fixing the arm, has broken again. However it is not in any of the places I fixed, so now I will need to try to get more nails in, but this time at weirder angles.
• Neon green water does not have a warm, radiating feel to it.
• Take my body heat… please…
• Prison Break returns to tv Monday, after they were a bunch of cock gobblers and removed it right as they were trying to escape last year!
• Am I wearing a sign that says “I no longer have credit card debt!”? Because I have started receiving an average of 2 credit card offers a day for the past week! Shit, a guy gets out of debt… lets put him right back in!

Those are all the posts I was going to have wrote this month, but have not. I figure the short versions are just as effective as the long posts would be.

Coffee, You Just Aren’t Making It Right

Wednesday, March 15th, 2006 | Helpful | 1 Comment

Coffee? That stuff tastes nasty!! (I say) as my friend tells me he started drinking it the other day.

So Fuck Me. I have been told that coffee is easily the greatest liquid substance on this planet. I have never given it a chance because like beer… when you have coffee the first couple of times, there seems to be little if any point. However, looking beyond the initially unpleasant taste, most people want a cheep, legal way to get wired.

The first time you begin to nervously chew your fingernails off, rapidly tap your feet up and down on the floor, run around, impersonate your favorite punk rock vocalist, and otherwise be wired, should make the taste of coffee something pleasant henceforth…

This being cleared up, we can go on with the rest of the post, which is a compilation of recipes, ideas, stories, message captures, and pretty much a tribute to liquid caffinated bean beverages….

The Recipes

First of all, don’t expect to get wired off of one lightly sweetened cup of mild coffee, a dash of creamer, and some NutriSweet ….

Regular-Wake-Up-In-The-Morning-Go-To-School-On-4-Hours-Of-Sleep-Hot-Coffee:

Most people use instant. Since there is no time in the morning, or any other time of the day. So, when you wake up, it’s cold out, and you wanna be warm and awake, try this; Mix roughly 3 - 4 HEAPING teaspoons of insant coffee into your cup. Get some sugar and pour it in until it’s almost up to the bottom of the handle on the inside. Now, fill the rest with water. Microwave until steaming hot.

Neato-Wake-Up-At-2:00-In-The-Afternoon-Partied-Out-Help-Me-Quick-Coffee:

It’s not always, because of the temperature or time of day, that much fun to drink hot coffee. Here’s a bunch of recipe’s I found for iced coffee…

1. If you’re using instant, make up a cup of 3 - 4 spoonfull coffee. Pour in about twice as much sugar. Instead of water, pour in cold milk. Mix it up. This is the easiest, simplest - and believe it or not, good tasting - coffee recipe for warm days. If you prefer regular coffee (well who doesn’t, but if you prefer it over instant enough to actually go through the trouble of making it every time), just make some up REALLY REALLY thick. We’re talking some serious sludge here...This should be rememberd for all the following recipes, as well.

2. Get some ice cream. Vanilla should do. Chocolate would probably work. You can get adventurous with like, Mocha Almond Fudge Strawberry, etc. if you want. Anyway, get about half a cup full of your ice cream. If it’s really solid, mash it up with a spoon for awhile. Make some serious sludge coffee, with instant or non, i mean SERIOUS sludge this time, and mix it in with half milk. Pour this to the top of your coffee mug, and stir until your sludge, ice cream, and milk have all mixed properly. Drink.

3. Mix about half your cup with Coca-Cola, and the other half iced coffee. Alternativley, you could make root beer or Coca-Cola floats and mix half of that with half coffee... I am told to inform you that this is a don’t nock it until you try it recipe.

4. Get crushed ice. Either get some ice cubes and put them in the blender, or wrap them up in a cloth and pretend like those cubes are the inside of the head of a local law enforcement official. Once you have sufficiently annhilated your ice into tiny shards, conragulate yourself. Get some chocolate syrup and squirt lines of it around the outside of your cup in a kinda pretty spiral design. Dump your crushed ice in until it fills up a little less than 3/4 of the cup. Now, take a bit of coffee made from the first recipe (cold milk and coffee), and put it into the cup of ice until it’s full.

5. Take roughly two teaspoons of instant coffee, drop about 1 1/2 teaspoons of chocolate milk mix, and mix the rest with cold milk. Stir well. Yummy.

6. There is no reason, of course, to be sane. If you have the materials, the sense of adventure, and the willingness to live on the edge for a few years and simply not wake up one morning; experiment. Why not mix ALL these recipes into one?? What wouldn’t be good about a root beer float - instant coffee - crushed ice - chocolate syrup - coca-cola - cold milk - chocolate mix coffee drink … personally, I don’t drink coffee at all, and have writen this post just for a reason to screw off on a different project…. but none-the-less It might just work for ya so why not try?!

Ok, so you own your own coffee maker. Here is something they won’t tell you to try in the instructions:

Double Brew it!
1. Brew a pot of coffee.
2. Repour that pot into the coffee maker, and refill the coffee grinds.
3. Rebrew.

Here is one man’s account of what it did to him:

I drank about 3 cups of this stuff and was actually sick. I drank it at about 12 at night and was up at 6 in the morning with my mind going a million miles a second and my stomach feeling like shit. Around 3:00 AM I felt like I was actually ‘high’. I couldn’t think straight, and everything just had a weird feeling to it.

Granted, I did use a sick amount of grind for both brews. Still, play it safe, a cup of it will probably be enough to have you bouncing off the walls. If you want, you can always try stewing your favorite caffinated tea with it, although it just makes the already nasty taste a million times worse

Good Times

Warning, MAY not be online

Monday, March 13th, 2006 | Smartass | No Comments

My internet connection has been down since 6pm. Nobody besides us have reported an outage, and since everything I and the people of charter can figure out show that it is not my fault, I will have to wait for a tech.

Problem is one is not coming to the house until sometime Thursday if I still can’t connect then.

SO, at the moment I am stealing my neighbor’s internet connection. It’s actually pretty fast, I assume they don’t download torrents ; ) However the signal is VERY WEAK, so I can’t guarantee how long I will be online.

I am just glad I can get online and update some drivers for my new computer now ;) If the connection holds I will write more tomorrow.

New Old Chair Causes Side Effects

Saturday, March 11th, 2006 | Life | 1 Comment

So I decided that my “computer chair” was dead. 2 of the springs from underneath have busted out (obviously due to my magnanimous brain weighting down the chair). Also the fabric was tearing and well… For a recliner, it really wasn’t all that comfortable to begin with.

The only reason I ever got this chair in the first place (besides being free) was because my old recliner had been sat on by too many girls and the left side had broken loose, causing not only lopsidedness but overall chair instability.

Upon deciding my current chair was deceased I first tried to convince my roommate to buy a new chair and give me his old one. He actually wants to get a new chair now, but the problem is (and will always be) that he is insanely lazy and will end up putting it off for a couple years anyways.

Not willing to wait a couple years I went into my basement and looked at my old comfortable chair and it’s lopsided arm. I then decided to fix it, since the idea of fixing the comfortable chair instead of the uncomfortable chair seemed a good one.

I flipped the chair over and started looking for weak areas. I discovered that not only was it not connecting to any of the staples at all on that side, BUT the other side also had a bracket with a bar that connected from the arm over to the base of the chair, and the left side did not.

I don’t think there ever actually was a bracket on the left side, which is why it could not handle the weight of a few girls sitting on the arm and caved under pressure.

So, not being able to make a new bracket and bar equivalent and knowing the staples would never go back in I decided to find some big ass nails and use them to connect the once stapled pieces together.

After a few bitch nails that wanted to bend on me, I had succeeded in fixing the chair. Now all I had to do was clean the cobwebs off and I could swap out my chair. WooHoo

So I get it upstairs and haul the broken chair downstairs much to Paul’s protest (but what can i do with it… nobody will take it if I stick take me sign on it, not in our neighborhood). Clean the area where the old chair was and set it up, confident in my abilities.

However… there was a catch. One that I don’t recall having with the chair before… It seems my optical mouse does not track well on this chair. In fact it was bad enough that I had to go get a mousepad (that I made myself btw) and place it on the arm of the chair.

Now the mouse tracks really, really well on the pad. However… and this is a big however…. It tracks so well that when the chair is tilted slightly (like it always will be since the footrest will always be out) it slides right off the mousepad.

Ah, as I am typing this I remember the solution I had when I used this chair in the past. I had some stacked up cases of soda to the right of the chair with a mousepad on them. This however is not really something I want to do, so….

What it actually means is that now, seeing as how I am building myself a new computer, I shall now need to buy a new wireless laser mouse. Yes that’s right, optical was a million times better than the ball mouse’s, but laser is at least 100 times better than optical. So I assume it will be able to track on the arm of the chair, and I will not need to rig up a stand next to the chair.

All in all, I am very happy with my new old chair. Most people sit at their computers in a very uncomfortable computer chair, and sit straight up and type on a keyboard that is on some sort of slide-out drawer and they try to convince themselves they are comfortable. I however transcended long ago to the realization that you don’t need to be uncomfortable to use a computer.

We’ll tag this with “the smartass recommends” replacing your computer chair with a recliner and then getting a wireless keyboard / mouse and an external speaker volume control that you can stick in the side of the chair for instant volume control access.