Stuff and Junk

Thursday, February 16th, 2006 | Site Updates | 2 Comments

Well nothing is actually happeneing here, so I can’t really report what is going on.

I mean I could tell you that I have sat around all day watching The Dead Zone, Pretender, and John Doe and pretty much nothing else, but then you would be jealous so instead I will just paste some Richard Cheese lyrics here (and remember to read them in the style of Lounge Singer):

Do you feel that?
Ohhhh shit…

Wah ah ah ah
Wah ah ah ah

Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Open up your hate and let it flow into me.

Get up, come on get down with the sickness
You mother get up, come on get down with the sickness
You fucker get up, come on get down with the sickness
Madness is the gift that has been given to me.

I can see inside you the sickness is rising
It seems that all that was good has died
Oh, no. The world is a scary place
Now that you’ve woken up the demon in me.

BOBBY, WILL YA GIVE IT TO ME?

Wah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

Get up, come on get down with the sickness
You mother get up, come on get down with the sickness
You fucker get up, come on get down with the sickness
Open up your hate and let it flow into me.

Why can’t you just fuck off and die
And get down with the sickness
FUCK YOU, I don’t need this shit
I’m down with the sickness
You stupid, sadistic, abusive fucking whore
Get down with the sickness

Here it comes
Get ready to die

Get ready to die.

Double Day Blues

Tuesday, February 14th, 2006 | Site Updates, Stolen | 3 Comments

Ok, so it’s Valentines Day right. A day when all the little couples have to buy each other shit to confirm that they care about each other… Then they get laid.

Well today is also another day. It is the anniversary of the day that I changed my life. Ok, technically more or less the day that I snapped. It must of been 11 or 12 years ago, here is how it went down.

I was in the habitual criminal child rehabilitation program. Err, well I believe my parents just called it being grounded…. Whatever, the point being I did not do my homework, so I was being jailed for it everynight for 3 hours after school!

Well one day I came home and did not have a backpack. I did not have any homework, no bullshit! It was Valentines Day, and my friends wanted to get together and do something. A normal, rational human being would of seen enough reason to parole me for the day. However, not my cell block guard (aka “the father”).

So I snapped. I had always been somebody who could not express emotion. I would hold everything in. I was very sensitive, and extremely defensive. You know how it goes. When the quiet, shy kid rages out, there are typically few survivors.

Well I had been miserable my whole memorable life. It had been spent avoiding my father and dealing with assholes who didn’t like my generic clothes and non-namebrand shoes. However I was not going to be that kid anymore.

So I told the father everything I thought of him. I told him how and why I didn’t respect him, how he had never given me anything but negative reinforcement and a reason to hate him. I told him how he was the worst part of my days. Then I told him he was an asshole, and when I did, he almost came up and hit me.

However I had been in Karate for years, and I was sitting on my bed. So I put my hand on my escrima stick and held it tight. He looked at it and then me and he walked out of my room and sat down in the living room to cry. Once I got my bearings, I left to go be with my friends.

I made a vow to myself that I would never snap like that again. I was glad at what I had accomplished, but I needed to give myself a new way to express myself. So from that day on, I stopped holding all my shit in. I no longer let every little thing get to me, and slowly my personality shifted to become what it is now.

I had overcome my first real fear. I had kicked it’s ass in a verbal battle (and almost a physical one), and had come out with a smile on my face.

So today, where most of you buy are worried about the trappings of popular culture, and busy buying some crap to prove you actually love somebody. Remember, that you can use this day just like any other; for unlimited possibility. It is as good a reason as any, that today…. you can change your life.

So though, I get along well with a lot of the people here at Covance, tonight I am alone. I who doesn’t dwel on the past or worry about the future took 30-40 mins to just sit by a window in thought.

So I am alone when so many other people around me, and in my life are not, but I know that despite being alone I have people to share with. People who will listen to my crap. I have my own little smartass venue. I can once again get all my shit out and make more changes in my life.

After all, what better day to change than on a day when I already have. Hope everybody out there, had a Valentines Day, and can make a change for the better in their lives like I did in mine.

Internet For Granted

Monday, February 13th, 2006 | Site Updates | 2 Comments

I kind of thought this time away would be a great way to get shit done on my website, and other internet related things. However that is wrong. The internet here works like ass. It’s not that it’s slow like ass, but rather resembles the workings of ass.

See it seems to have regular bowel movements, during those times the internet works great. When it is not those times however, you can not get to any website.

I figured it out from screwing around and discovered that they had some idiot setup the network here. He made it so that the office would have 100% priority with anything that they have going on. Now he didn’t make it so that they get first dips on bandwidth, but rather ALL bandwidth during those times.

Now I know a few things about torture and having a spotty inconsistent internet connection here is definitely torture.

See if I stay in my room and DON’T work on my website since I have no internet connection, then the only thing I can do is watch tv shows that I have already seen in the past. This is fine and dandy but I like to socialize.

So I try to go out and hang out with other people here. However now anytime I get near any of the girls, (and this one pushy guy who wants me to ask him a bunch of questions) they all bother me to hypnotize them.

I don’t feel like being inundated with either, so the internet connection working all day would make shit go much smoother.

I guess ya just start to take always on / (virtually) always working broadband for granted until you loose it. With the way I write my websites now everything is Server Side Code and I am not about to install and configure a bunch of server crap on this laptop just to be able to work on my website.

Oh well, nobody here complains about the crazy ass noise I make with my terabyte or the videos I am always blaring so I will press on and endure the torture for now.

Kinky Kong Beastiality

Monday, February 13th, 2006 | Site Updates | 1 Comment

So I watched the remade King Kong movie. It was not bad I guess. I mean it was not as good as the hype by any stretch, and I do not believe that It has to be just because it is made by Peter Jackson who directed the Lord of the Rings movies.

However I just needed to mention that if you watch this movie you you’re also watching a movie about how beastiality happens. I mean the woman in this flick didn’t just feel compasionate for the monkey. She wanted him. She wanted him in a bad way.

Now, I had a girlfriend that after I broke up with her told me”there are many types of love”. It could be argued that the woman in the picture was thinking the same thing. However that is just bullshit logic for saying you still want to makeout and screw now and then.

Ultimatly I am not going to reccommend this movie unless you are really into women on kong action, and if you are into that sadly the big ape will die before they get to do it in the butt, so you too will be dissapointed.

Smartass in Demand

Sunday, February 12th, 2006 | Site Updates, Stolen | 4 Comments

So I am sitting around talking last night when I start talking about Psychology, Hypnosis, & NLP. Well, that got a lot of people interested. Then all of a sudden I am hypnotizing people.

Now realize, I haven’t hypnotized anybody in probably 3 or 4 years…. But my big mouth got me into it, so I decided what the hell. I mean I figure to let TheSmartAss Hypnotize you, you’re probably a little bit nuts already. I have never done it for a crowd, and I didn’t exactly have a script down.

The script is important because I need to always be displaying confidence while I am talking. I had no script so I just had to wing it. I managed to put the girl into a stage 1 trance, however once I got her there, I was unable to think up anything for her to do.

I mean stage hypnosis is a whole different ballgame. In the past I had always done hypnotherapy. So basically I choked and made her close her eyes again, and counted her back up into conciousness, and threw in a little quick NLP therapy for her to replace a bad habit with a good one.

Everybody could tell that I tranced her out… even if just a little, so now they all want me to do it to them.

I mean there people have been talking to me for a few days now, they all know that I like to screw with people’s heads, so I think it’s odd that I could flat out tell them that I am screwing with their head and they are still willing to let me do it.

Long Hair

Sunday, February 12th, 2006 | Helpful, Site Updates | 6 Comments

Why is it that the longer your hair gets, the quicker it looks like shit. I mean, as a guy I think most girls should have long hair. Some of them look better without, but for the most part the longer the hair the hotter the girl.

I el Smartass, of sound mind and body needed a change. So since I am a professional who has to sell to companies I have never met, can no longer die my hair cool colors. So I am doing the next best thing. I am trying to grow my hair out.

I can’t picture myself with long hair, but a couple years ago I couldn’t picture myself with a bald head, so I shaved my head and quickly remedied the situation. I actually kind of liked it, I mean it had shock value for people who knew me AND was so easy to maintain.

Of course, it looked ok, but it looked better to still have hair so I grew it back. Now I desire to see what I would look like with longer hair, but I have no instant method to do that, so I need to grow it out. I considered first trying to photoshop different hair on to myself, but decided that, nor any other instant fix method would not do me justice.

Currently the length of my hair, is at the annoying length. My bangs fall down into my eyes, and the hair on my sides is about 1/2 an inch from being past my ears.

It requires daily showers or else it gets really dry and crappy looking. Even though it is longer now than it has ever been, I STILL can’t see a huge difference from what I had before so I need to keep growing it to see what it will do.

By the time I get out of Covance it should be almost past my eyes and ears, but still won’t be long enough to pull bangs behind ears, and will still there4 suck.

Why would I write about this? Well it’s simple, I have lots of free time on my hands right now. All I have to do is, make it to meals on time, and the rest of the day I can do whatever I want. I spend lots of my time. Basically I will end up having marijuana induced ramblings, without the marijuana! Enjoy.

Story Inspired Fan Art…

Friday, February 10th, 2006 | Site Updates | 5 Comments

I underestimated the levity of my situation. It is so interesting to so many people that I have now been sent fan art with captions. I think it’s a good likeness of me, so I am going to post them:

“So, tell me how you feel right now…. Mmm-Hmm… Mmm-hmm… Interesting.”

“Okay, so now I will give you some cookies… Go on, go ahead and eat them…”"AAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

“Oh, I forgot to tell you everytime one touches your lips, I’m gonna flip this switch. Tell me how that makes you feel.”

“Ummm, hungry?”

“Okay, just lay flat for the next 5 hours… And, I almost forgot, you won’t be needing this… And lunch is at 2. It’s mac and cheese today! Mmmm…”

Mark: The Untold Story

Friday, February 10th, 2006 | Site Updates | 3 Comments

Ok, since I hooked you all with the tag about sending a guy to jail, I suppose I should elaborate on the story.

This is actually a past story. See long ago, in a part of Madison far away lived a man Named Dan. He also lived with his brother Keith, and another roommate named Mark. Now for awhile all was peaceful in the hood and everybody got along really well.

Of course it didn’t take too long before strange occurrences started to happen to Dan. Magical items (like a laptop computer, a ps2, dvd’s etc…) started to vanish (with no signs of forced entry). Well this drove a wedge into the roommates friendship as it was decided that it was either Mark, or one of Mark’s “friends”.

Well there was nothing to prove this, and so life went on, until one day Dan ran out of money. Upon checking his checkbook Dan discovered that every other check in his checkbook had vanished the same way his stuff had.

I was with Dan during his discovery and we went to the bank and discovered that those checks had been used for 2 things. Checks to Pizza Pit, and Checks to Mark. Hmm… O K… So we got the old checks and upon seeing the horribly forged signatures, the bank refunded Dan the money and was probably going to press charges against Mark.

We talk to Keith and discover he to doesn’t know how to balance a checkbook and has also been victim to Mark. Between them both there were now MANY felony charges that we had built up.

Upon search the brothers found out that lots more of their stuff had been stolen. Now we decided the best course of action was to go to the cops, and report all the nasty goings on to them.

We were actually kind of scared about sending Mark to jail. See he himself was not scary, I actually got along with him. However all of his friends seemed to be Drug Dealers, and we didn’t want one of them trying to gun us down for sticking Mark in jail. So Dan moved out and moved in with me (this is where and happily ever after would come in, but come on.. that only works in fairy tales).

Mark wrote a confession to stealing the checks and SOME of the stuff, which was just more evidence to use against him. We were told that with this many felony charges that Mark would be in jail for a long time.

Well, that wasn’t the case. I once saw him at Pizza Hut only a couple months after the incident. I assumed he had jumped bail, as with that many felony charges there is no way you could be out that quick.

At any rate (hmm, that’s a weird expression… my mother says it all the time. Of course everybody knows what it means but it is one of those phrases that doesn’t really make much sense when analyzed. It’s like “don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”, sure we all know that means to be thankful for what you are given, but SHIT is that ever dated and stupid…. oh well), fast forward to present day.

I am now locked in a building with our story’s villain for nearly 3 weeks. I mean just the fact that he is here, says he cleaned up his many drug problems, since you can’t get in here with bad labs.

He hasn’t recognized me, as far as I can tell anyways. So I just avoid him and try to keep my mouth shut. I could probably tell the staff this and pull up some circuit court records to print out and give them and he would be kicked out.

I guess even though I will never be his friend and want nothing to do with him, I still feel like I would be a rat. So instead I am making a social experiment out of him. I am telling a couple girls the story and who he is, I am telling a couple guys the story but NOT who he is, and I am leaving the rest of the group untold at this point. I want to see if the informed people start avoiding him, and see if the slightly informed people start to avoid everybody that I am not talking to etc…

I can’t make him pay for what he did to my friends, but I figure experimenting on him is a good start.

NO, I really did mean flint!!!!!

Thursday, February 9th, 2006 | Life | 5 Comments

Grr, so I have to sneak on here to mention that I did NOT screw up my own post title, thank you very much.

I MEANT in like flint, and if you really need a reference link to understand here ya go:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0061810/

I do however appreciate the book drop. I mean nothing like getting weird looks from nurses when they see “the satanic verses”.

So quick description: this morning was woken up at 5:30 > had plastic shoved into arm > laid back down and had to stay awake staring at ceiling. However after lunch @ 1 something, they got more relaxed. Now the doctors are gone and nobody bitches if we fall asleep etc..

Still, I lived through the worst of it, and tomorrow through the 24th, I get to just sit around and do whatever I want. So no big deal.

Hmm… In the next edition of the Covance Saga, I will tell about a person that is in this study that I had sent to jail…. Stay tuned!

In Like Flint

Wednesday, February 8th, 2006 | Life | 3 Comments

Ok, so I am at Covance. I’m in like flint, and I am stuck here until the 26th. This is good because when I am out, I can pay off ALL of my credit cards and will cut down my bills by $400 a month! Can you say DAAAAAAMN (yeah I know, apparently neither can I).

Anyways, tomorrow is Hell day. There are actually two hell days during my stay. Tomorrow, and 25th. Those days are stupid “no stimulus” days. This is the first time I have ever had something like this, and it will suck. I will be earning my money, by: doing absolutely nothing for hours on end. Sound good? HA. By doing nothing I don’t mean doing what I want, I mean I have to lay on a hard flat bed, for five hours straight, with wires hooked up to me, and a plastic tube stuck in my arm.

I am not able to listen to music, not able to use any electronic device, not allowed to sleep and NOT allowed to talk to anybody!!! After the 5 hours I get to eat, and then have to spend most of the rest of the day doing the same thing I did earlier, aka nothing. I will not be allowed to use any electronic device etc.. for 25 hours.

Yes, It’s true… This Sucks Big Floppy Donkey Dick

The rest of the days besides tomorrow and the 25th, I can pretty much do whatever I want so long as I make it to dinner etc.. on time.

There is only one thing I am allowed to do during that time, and that is read. Two problems with that however. 1) I had a book in my stuff and I decided to pull it out because I had the same book on my hard drive, so I figured I probably wouldn’t read but if I wanted to I could read it on the pc….. HA boy was I wrong. 2) Even if I had a book when I say lay flat down, I mean lay FLAT down.. yuck

So tomorrow I shall meditate. I am considering creating a new website (in my head) AND writing the code (in my head), then memorizing the code (in my head), then writing the entire site at a later date from memory.

I wonder if this is how smart people go insane? I will report my findings on the matter at a later time….