30 Second Police Story

Thursday, November 17th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

It’s bad enough that they pull us over all the time, but now they are stopping in front of our cars while we should be asleep and sticking sneaky “not tickets” under our windshield wipers.

I guess I would be glad that they did this actually if I had not seen them do it, since the sneaky “non-ticket” was an informational card on alt-side parking. Which I was parking on the correct side of the street already which is why I was scared it was somebody trying to rip me off (just saw random car lights on and then a very fast getaway) so I jumped up and found shoes to run outside.

Guess it’s all good….. Remember kids, even side even days, and they don’t check for it till after midnight. There is this other rule that says odd side odd days, but that doesn’t make anysense since I know I am definatly considered the “odd” side of the street despite my address being even… ;)

Evil Dead Head

Wednesday, November 16th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 6 Comments

So today I was feeling bored, so I decided to go get a job. I thought about it for a few seconds and decided it had to be something that was easy, only part time, easy to schedule around my own time, and be ok with me screwing off.

Seeing as how that narrowed the market a bit I decided to go to a computer store. Not the greatest computer store in the world, they had previously tried to employ me and I had refused. So I went in and made an offer to the owner. He is now the sole worker there and tends to not be there so the office is locked up and that looses him money.

He had wanted to pay me hourly and needed some time filled in the mornings from 9-12 and said he would give me 25 bucks for that time and I could work on my own stuff during that time. Well that wasn’t good enough, so I said that I would do that IF he gave me at least 40% of the profit on every single job I do, plus an additional 10 an hour for every hour past 3 hours. Plus when a webdesign customer came in I get 100% of the profit since he wouldn’t have been able to do it himself anyways. Plus I told him that I might not be able to make it in for most of December. Also, I must be the one to write up the contract. He agreed to all of my terms….. Was almost to easy.

Originally when he had wanted to employ me it was on a straight hourly rate 40/hours a week, but I would of had to work with him, and wouldn’t have gotten anything above and beyond. I however can not work well with him. The times I will be working now, I will have a key and be alone. See this guy used to just blab on about politics, but now all he blabs on about is how in 6 months the entire world will pretty much be fallen apart since the bird flu is going to kill off at least 15 percent of our population, and when that happens everything will be under millitary rule and nothing will be safe anymore.

Lucky for him he has already purchased some land at a location he will not tell me, he has purchased some guns, a steam generator, and many other fun survival supplies. Him and 8 other people on some apocalypse forums have all purchased land here and the other members have purchased an extremely expensive well digger so that they can dig wells without telling the goverment so that their water supply can not be regulated etc…

At anyrate, when the time comes for him to flee he is going to give the company to me (thought he would rather I just come with him, he has already recommended a gun for me) if I so choose to take it. Which considering all the services that are NOT offered, and that fact that with no advertisement it still makes $150/day probably would be worth sticking around till he decides the appocalypse is here.

I start Monday @ 9am. If I am not making 40% profit from fixing a computer, I will be spending my time working on my websites, so be happy!

Hmm, I suppose you are now more confused by the fact that I just wrote a big post that doesn’t really comply with the title name, but rather that’s the first thing I thought of before I wrote the post since today I ALSO watched all 3 Evil Dead movies (yes Army of Darkness really is Evil Dead 3 even if it isn’t titled so).

1st movie the characters were shit, but the evil trees had a good time…. 2nd movie literly rewrote the 1st movie into the first 5 minutes of the second movie. They changed and shortened the story, seemlingly to make the main character cooler. 3rd movie the main character is now a complete badass with lots of great catch phrases.

One thing was different watching them now than was long ago, the copy of Army of Darkness that I have now has a totally different ending this time. The one I saw in the past had a cool ending sequence with more catch phrases where he is back in his own time in S-Mart killing a zombie bitch and kissing some chick. The new one I have he ends up 1000 years in the future and everything is destroyed…. CRAZY

Good Times

A Happy Post

Monday, November 14th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Well I did not sleep at all last night, then I drank this afternoon, but it was a good time drinking. Lots of funny ha ha going on.

I am really overtired right now, but I thought it should be mentioned that I have managed to do some smooth talking and have managed to keep all of my domains right where they were.

As a backup I also managed to convince somebody else to host me, he would want me to put google ad’s on my page, but for now it’s good to know that if something happens then I have a backup.

Turns out it was this domain that caused it. Turns out it scares some people to have working sega and nintendo games on a website. They are not downloadable and emulation is legal so for now I have managed to convince them to let me stay. It would be removed if and when we get a cease and desist, which has not happened yet so no reason to jump the gun ya know.

So be happy, I can go back to writhing funny posts about cheese fudge, and pufferfish and get on with my life.

NOT a Happy Post

Monday, November 14th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 4 Comments

I am freaking out right now. What I actually want is to go to sleep, but I can’t. What everybody else wants me to do right now is to write some funny blog posts to fill in the past few days. Hell I even had some things in mind to write for it, but I can’t find any humor in me right now.

Why?

I got an email earlier tonight that said something I NEVER ever expected to hear. It told me that for security reasons my ENTIRE reseller account will be terminated in one week, and that typically it would just be instantly terminated, but due to special request of it’s owner they are giving me a few days notice.

Now I instantly wrote an email back asking for an explanation and asking what I can do to help them solve the security problem. I have not yet heard back from it, but since I can not sleep, I am feeling impatient.

My thoughts about what the “security reason” it could be:
1) Recently I was told that my forums was generating a denial of service attack by Russian spammers. So to be fair, I removed the forums. They were out of date anyways, so no big deal. 2) The way the email was worded it said that in the past some security policy they put on had affected my site, which I know what that was and I had REQUESTED that they keep it off so that people could login and add quotes etc to my database. If this is the reason I am sure I can convince them to let me stay.
3) The “security” reason is bullshit, and for fear of content I am hosting they just want to get rid of me.

#1 is pretty likely, no server wants to get DOS Attacks that constantly slow down the entire server. If after I removed the forums they continued to have DOS Attacks I could understand why they would not want thesmartass.info to be on their server anymore. However I cannot understand why or how that could cause them to kill my entire reseller account. That would affect a lot of domains and I would have a lot of unhappy people, mostly me, but I do not like to be unhappy!!!!!

See funny story about my hosting. I do not pay for it. Yes that’s right, I get a reseller account, lots of space, and lots of bandwidth for free. Why do I get that when it’s not my server you ask… Well because I did contract work for a computer company that in the end, couldn’t pay me.

The owner of the company said that until he paid me back, he would host all of my domains for free. He inturn had a guy he had worked out a deal with to host his domains even after his company was gone since he wanted to stay on good terms with me. I have been hosted on their servers for several years now.

This is a really nasty deal breaker. To which, quite honestly I have no legal recourse against. Being hard to get a hold of, they had decided to just give me my own webhost domain control, so that I could manage my own domain names without bothering them. This is something I have done quite well for a LONG time now.

Technically my deal was with the company owner, his company filed for bankruptcy, but he has still honored his deal for years. The company that he had HIS deal worked out with right from the start told me that they would continue to host my domains for free until my bandwidth spiked over a certain amount each month at which point I would have to start paying for the overage. Fine, no big deal…. I have managed to do just fine.

This is a system that has worked well for a long time, so I am in complete shock to get an email like this. If it’s because of Russian’s attacking my domain I am going to be really pissed as I do not have any control over that.

If that is the case, hopefully I can work it out with them to keep the rest of the domains hosted and just remove thesmartass.info, yes that would be tragic since I can not afford to pay for it’s hosting right now. However I think with some slight modifications to a couple pages to add a couple banners…. yes I know, sucky…. but still I MIGHT know somebody who would be willing to host my entire site, games and all for free.

Why not host it myself? Because I can not afford to pay for 2 internet connections, yes I have hosted domains on my own personal computer in the past, and it works just fine, except for one thing. I USE THE SHIT OUT OF MY BANDWIDTH at home.

Look I will try to keep this updated as to what I figure out, as I WILL be figuring this out ASAP.

Since I am awake, and can do nothing but think, a Dylan Thomas Poem came to mind….

———————————————-

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Plyometrics Puddle

Thursday, November 10th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

So tonight I was feeling really tired and lethargic, and it was only 8pm! I figured the best way to fix that was with some exercise, as like it or not it will always wake you up.

Having done 2 days in a row of very intense workouts with ease (wake up at 8, get up at 9, ignore all fiscal responsibilities, play video games on half of a 65″ tv while watching backdated tv shows that I have never seen on the other half, go drinking, play more video games till 3am, sleep), I figured I could simply vary my workout a bit with the same results.

Thinking things through like I always do, I decided not to run, or use the Norditrack, but instead to try one of the workout videos I had laying around my computer collecting virtual dust.

This program is called P90X, and it is broken up into lots of different workouts for different days. I grabbed at random and choose the one called Plyometrics. To my amazement when I opened this it was not your typical 30 minute workout, it was 1 hour.

Well I followed right along for the first 10 minutes. Then for another 10 I attempted to follow along, never giving up. For 5 minutes after that I willed my body to move and jump along with them, but after that there was no more in me.

Now ya know…. as I always say, it’s not that I am out of shape, but rather I am just the wrong shape! Well damn, this video put that saying to rest. It’s not even that my legs ache. They probably do but I can’t feel them anymore. I simply do not seem to have muscle in them now, I mean I don’t recall my leg muscles applying to use some vacation time, so WTF?

Afterwards, I sauntered vaguely downward into the hottub and after a LONG time, attempted to get out. I had so little leg strength that I could not pull myself against the water pressure and out of the hottub. When I finally did It was not with leg strength, but rather with pure arm strength pulling on the cover and ledge (see I knew all that typing would pay off eventually).

I dragged ass all the way back to the bathroom to dry off and change clothes, and managed to slump down into a puddle in my chair where I am currently writing this blog entry.

Now if I want to be REALLY cool, I could do another one tomorrow. I’d pick one with a different area. I mean just to see if after 2 or 3 days of this I am a paraplegic and can get good parking spots wherever I go!

Now I don’t recommend this to anybody who doesn’t like to trip out on (lactic) acid, as I have already drank a couple gallons of water to make up for it. Also when they WARN you that these videos are only for world class athletes and not beginners, they aren’t joking, but I don’t like excuses and the only thing stopping me from being a world class athlete is lack of desire, genetics, life choices, diet, time, dedication, drive, computers, and skill!!! So If we just ignore those things I am right up top with them!

Capitalism and Cows

Wednesday, November 9th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

For those of y’all that wear fanny packs, or those who bitch that my own original posts are better. Just realize that this is a FILLER post, I am putting it here because I am NOT going to write a post for Nov 9th, so if I did not put a filler post in you would have nothing. So just read it, and laugh ok?

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM — You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION — You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CORPORATION — You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION — You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon(tm) and market them world-wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION — You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION — You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION — You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION — You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION — You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION — You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION — You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION — You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

ENRON CORPORATION — You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight
cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

ARTHUR ANDERSON, LLC — You have 2 cows. You shred all documents that Enron has any cows, take 2 cows from Enron for payment for consulting the cows, and attest that Enron has 9 cows.

Men’s Rules (that women should know)

Tuesday, November 8th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Since women always have so many “secret rules” that we are just suppsed to know, I think it’s only perfectly acceptable that we should have our own as well. So how it comes at great convenience that I found a set of them.

Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don’t remember dates. . . .Period!!

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We’ve been tricked before!!

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what they’re saying anyway.)

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it’s like camping.

My State of Mind

Sunday, November 6th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 5 Comments

LOL, Yeah so I did this relational psychology test today. The idea is that you write down the FIRST thing that comes into your mind.

I swear I did not alter any of these answers at all. Now granted this test was kind of generalized and did not take into account my obsession with transparency, and I am slightly dissapointed in my answer to #8, I actually had 2 thoughts, Ignore OR throw it in sink, either way shows me to be an ass!

This has been a relational psychology test. The answers given to the questions have been shown to have a relevance to values and ideals that we hold in our personal lives. The analysis follows:

Q1. You are walking in the woods. Who are you with?
A1. The person who you are walking with is the most important person in your life.
Your answer: Hot Girl

Q2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?
A2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems.
Your answer: Tiger

Q3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
A3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems (passive, aggressive).
Your answer: Poke with a Stick

Q4. You walk deeper into the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your dream house. Describe its size.
A4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to resolve your problems.
Your answer: Large and in Charge

Q5. Is you dream house surrounded by a fence? Yes/No
A5. No fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence is more indicative of a closed personality. You would prefer people to not drop by unannounced.
Your answer: No

Q6. You enter the house. You walk to the dining area and see the dining room table. Describe what you see on and around the table.
A6. If your answer did not include food, people, or flowers, then you are generally unhappy.
Your answer: Unsorted Mail

Q7. You exit the house through the back door. Lying in the grass is a cup. What material is the cup made of (ceramic, glass, paper, etc.)?
A7. The durability of the material with which the cup is made is representative of the perceived durability of you relationship with the person from question 1. For example, Styrofoam, plastic, and paper are disposable; Styrofoam, paper, and glass (ceramics) are not durable; and metal and plastic are durable.
Your answer: Glass

Q8. What do you do with the cup?
A8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude toward the person from question 1.
Your answer: Ignore

Q9. You walk to the edge of the property, where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What type of body of water is it (creek, river, ocean, etc.)?
A9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.
Your answer: Pool

Q10. How will you cross the water?
A10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life.
Your answer: Walk on Top

13 Movies in a Row

Saturday, November 5th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Well today I decided I needed a movie marathon. So I just watched the following movies:

Alien	Highlander	The Exorcist	Freddy vs. Jason
It’s a Wonderful Life	Jaws	Pulp Fiction	The Rocky Horror Picture Show	Scream
The Shining	TX Chainsaw Massacre	Titanic	The War of the Worlds

Yep, that’s right. You to can watch all of these classic films by going to www.angryalien.com

Unintentional COLD Turkey

Friday, November 4th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Now I am not 100% sure as to what I mean by the title tonight. I could be referring to the fact that I am going through Hot Tub withdrawal, OR I could simply be referring to the fact that I am the Cold Turkey due to lack of hot tub.

So, for the past 4 straight days I have gone out to the hot tub, only to discover that the power was dead. Yes that’s right, the circuit breaker has popped 4 days in a row. Now it used to do that when we first got this hot tub, but we upgraded….. TWICE ……

On occasion it still blows out, but this is a bloody conspiracy, just trying to keep the cold man down! I have shot people for less…. Of course I don’t know who is causing the conspiracy so I can not exact revenge (or sign them up at a ’shag mail’ type site).

Sure…. I waited a long time tonight for it to heat up, and it did manage to make it all the way to 91 degrees, BUT that would not be a HOT TUB, it would be a LUKE-WARM TUB (speaking of… It must of really sucked to be the original Luke that got named Luke Warm, I mean what a poor bastard to be such a lackluster, dulldrum individual that people name a neutral not special word after him).

To get my fix tomorrow I might possibly go to such lengths as to check if it is running every hour on the hour, so that I am NOT FORCED to resort to making a Redneck Hot Tub (see worse case scenario below)

Sadly, I am now COLD and need to go to bed. Had I been warm and toasty feeling I would of stayed up another hour or two to add more stuff to my website. But that WILL not happen while there is conspiracy afoot!