Why Can’t I Own a Canadian?

Tuesday, September 6th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. I found it very informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

New Shiznit For The SmartAss

Monday, September 5th, 2005 | Uncategorized | No Comments

Today I added a couple things to the website:

Background / Artwork Quick Switcher:
Can be loaded by clicking A(rt) or B(ackground) in the corners, currently firefox can’t seem to loop the random image so you can only click it once. However I am currently paying the good folks at answers.google.com to figure out how to fix this problem.

Added new Flash Stuff and Games:
Ok if you do absolutely nothing else today, I would still tell you to go to my Flash Games page and play the newly added game “Ant City”, wow what a great smartass game!

Cock-Gobbler Prevention Script:
Basically it prevents all of the footsy fuckers and chode munchers from linking directly to my sub-pages by forcing everybody to start at thesmartass.info/. Yep, It only takes one jerkoff to get caught and ruin the fun for everybody.

Things I started adding, but didn’t:

Popcorn Machine:
I just haven’t figured out the mechanics of transmitting the correct brain waves to convince you that you are eating movie theater popcorn… I would keep working on this, but I fear that the brain wave for “popcorn taste” is WAY to close to the brainwave for “nuclear holocaust” and I really don’t want to cause another one of those…

Sexual Gratification Chamber:
I actually managed to make the computer vibrate to orgasism noises, while random dirty images changing on a slideshow effect but I fear that posting it will change the rating of my site; thereby preventing small children from getting their smartass fix.

Everything Else:
Just think of how long you get to look forward to all the things discussed in the previous post! Still don’t feel motivated to create them. However feel free to contribute to my “non-profit organization” the next time you want to donate to a good cause!

Work Screwing Up Blogging

Sunday, September 4th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Ok lets face it, I can’t really keep up anymore. I fear this will no longer be a “daily blog”. I mean I was very good about writing some bullshit everyday. In fact I don’t think I missed a single day in June or July.

Funny thing though, “working for a living” takes away motivation to do other things, like write in a blog.

1) My days are no longer quite as funny when I spend them doing the same type of work every day. When I had my days free to screw around or work on my own schedule I was better rested and more motivated for creative bullshitting (they should teach that skill in school, it’s a very fun skill to have)

2) Well there is no #2, I mean I am just making up stupid excuses for my own rationalization anyways.

Hmm, perhaps if people donated and the site could afford to keep me in the lifestyle that I plan to come accustom to…. THEN I would keep up with the website.

I think that would be my ultimate job, I mean I love selling and socializing, but if I could make a good living spending 30 mins or so a day working on my website I would totally focus on this.

Currently I have been procrastinating on the following things for this website:
New Section “The SmartAss” - wow, here’s a logical thing to do with my own website, make a section called the smartass where I put all sorts of educational information on all sorts of smartass topics, like picking locks, or hacking a pepsi machine etc…

Fill up the Flash Stuff Section - I want the flash page to be a big solid blob that would take people hours to get through.

Buying a Java Based Sega Genesis Emulator - So these guys created the worlds first Java Based Sega Genesis Emulator. Problem is, they are being jerks! Instead of giving it away free like the rest of the emulator authors on this planet do, they want money… LOTS of it. They want $150 for a license to the damn thing. Now I would love to pay them, but I can’t rationalize that much money for a non-profit website. I have been trying to get them to trade me for my services or something else, but the guy stopped responding to my emails which is really pissing me off… grr If I had this on my site, I would probably put hundreds of Sega games online (at least until I get a cease and desist from Sega)

Fixing About Page - Look, it’s old and doesn’t really say anything worth saying. Probably wouldn’t take me to much time to remake a new one, but I am lazy. I have lots of “good stuff” I can say about thesmartass (me) and thesmartass (site)

Filling up WTF Page - Lets face it, there is a LOT of shit on the net that just makes you go WTF, and I think this site should have it all….

Transfer Forum Topics - Look, I know the forums are dead… There are no longer updated worthwhile posts, however there are lots of good quality posts there that I could transfer to the new “the smartass” section, or else the library. Once I did this, I would probably just comment out the forums and no longer have to spend my time deleting “visit this casino posts”

Improve Customize Page - Now this is already a pretty cool page for people who visit this site frequently, however I want it to take less time to load as well as have a few new features like swapping css styles, and multiple interface choices (at least the choice to use previous designs).

PSP Section - Actually I am not sure I will do this one, reason being that the PSP scene changes REALLY fast. So If I recommend some homebrew games or something, the version I post will be different with new features within a week. I am thinking perhaps instead of making a psp section, that It might be better to just make a tutorial for the non-existent “the smartass” section… Still undecided.

Sell Stuff - No, I don’t plan to put ads on here so don’t worry, but I would like to actually come up with some t-shirt designs that I can legally sell. Every one I have come up with so far denotes ripping off © images which I can’t legally sell the shirts if I do that.

Bah, anyways I will I’m sure still be writing a post every couple days. What I will probably no longer be doing is backdating to make sure there is a daily post for every single day. I will probably be using less original posts, and more ripped off ones as well, though I am not sure of this yet but I do want to have frequent posts even If I feel lazy, since the more new stuff on the page, the more google will index me.

In conclusion I am not stopping, but rather just being lazy. If you know of a way to motivate me to do any of the things I listed above, please feel free to try anything within reason (whipping me with a wet noodle and calling me Tina for example; would no longer be within reason).

I Got the Stigmata

Saturday, September 3rd, 2005 | Uncategorized | No Comments

So I was out running tonight. When I went out for a run I was in perfect health (debatable), but when I came back a miracle had occured.

The kind of miracle that is on the same epic proportions as the lady who saw mother teresa in toast!

Yes that’s right folks, I came home with a Stigmata on both of my palms. Thankfully with modern day medicine I was able to stop the bleeding. I mean I know back in the day when you got a Stigmata, there was no stopping it… So I am glad I live in a time with Wallgreens.

I won’t go into the details, but rather I will simply say it was a MIRACLE, a MIRACLE that I am not going to sue the city for their shotty road conditions that caused me to get the stigmata in the first place.

Alas though, I shall forgive them for thou sins, I shall be humble and take their sins onto myself for taking a header into their streets at 10pm.

Shiny New Nametag

Saturday, September 3rd, 2005 | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

I just thought I would mention how HARDCORE I am. Now not only do I have a job with Zimbrick Honda, but as of today, I have my own Nameplate, Business Cards, Picture on the Wall, and yes…. My Very Own Nametag!!!!

So now I am not just some Slick Rick wearing shiny shoes and a tie, now I belong.

Granted, I still don’t know WTF I am talking about, but that’s hardly important so long as I have a nameplate and my own work phone number. Look like a pro and that’s what ya be~!

FYI: You are all going to buy cars from me, and refer more people to buy cars from me… You may not realize that you are going to buy a car from me, but don’t worry…. If you keep reading this blog, I will slowly hypnotize all of you into driving to the Mad City to buy a car or three from me.

You won’t be upset about it or anything, you will just be like DAMN…. The Smart Ass just sold me a car, what an absolute pleasure it was to talk to the man, the myth, and the machine`! I say this with no cockiness at all, but rather just a subtle understanding of the Ultimate Truth.

Behold, ME [and my crock of shit]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snapple Bottles…

Friday, September 2nd, 2005 | Uncategorized | No Comments

Look, I am not going to explain this post. There are only a few people in the world who will understand this one, and most of them do not read my blog…. If you are not one of them don’t try….

All I gotta say is Snapple Bottles are actually kind of small. Even the older style glass bottles. I mean the bottles look fairly big, and it pains me to say it, but DAMN…. the bottles are just WAY to small… probably for even an ordinary fella…

It’s not just that I have a big ego, I mean that much is obvious, I run a website called The Smart Ass for shit sake. I just had to figure it out and set the record straight.

HEY! I had a spare moment… Adrian Mole is not the only person on the planet that can figure some things out ok~!!!!!

I know all of you are reading this, and are thinking…. OMG is he talking about what I think he is???? Well the answer is NO. I told you not to even bother reading this if you were not one of those few people. Go read the post about a Dirty Mind since it sure seems like you have one!!!

PANORA!!!!

Pull-Up or Bust

Thursday, September 1st, 2005 | Uncategorized | No Comments

So I went and bought a Pull-Up bar today. See I have had this quasi-goal to do a Pull-Up / Chin-Up for several years now. However I never actively pursued it (except for the rigorous daily Hot-Tub Training).

For awhile I was able to do an exercise I invented called a Door-Up (you’re a smart cookie, you can figure it out), but It was messing up my shoulders and not getting me any real results.

Well a couple weeks ago I bought a couple dumbbells and have been doing a few sets of bicept curls everyday. I figured this was a step in the right direction but knew that I could never achieve the goal without having an actual bar.

First things first, I needed the damn bar, so I went and bought one. Hopefully my roommate won’t spaz when he sees that I technically destroyed the guest room door frame by screwing a couple big ass brackets into it.

Next I try to hang from the bar and pull myself up, well go figure, that doesn’t work… So now I need to do it differently. I have to do negatives, yes that’s right folks you start on a chair or in my case a foot rest made of cigarette butts, and attempt to hold myself and then slowly lower my fat ass down.

This is sad, but a necessicary evil, since I have arms built for typing. Well, I can hardly hold myself up at all, so I am not exactly close to achieving this goal. However for the first time in my life I am actually working on achieving this goal.

Funny thing is I think I am actually overtraining. The shit I am doing doesn’t seem like much to me, but today I got a NASTY Charlie-Horse, and last week with just my dumbbell use I was getting some nerve headaches. Fuck it, better in pain then to not try at all…