BS

Do You Have a Dirty Mind?

Wednesday, August 31st, 2005 | Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Take a look at the picture first…
So, what did you see?

Now proceed and read below to find an explanation of what you really saw.

I’m sure you will find this very interesting.

Research has shown that young children cannot identify the intimate couple because they do not have prior memory associated with such scenario. What they will see are the nine dolphins.

This is a test to determine if you already have a corrupted mind. If it’s hard for you to find the dolphins within 3 seconds, your mind is indeed corrupted.

Just a sidenote, I looked at the picture for at least 2 minutes, before deciding that my smartass mind is so currupted that I will never be able to see dolphins.

KILLER High Speed Shit Storm

Tuesday, August 30th, 2005 | Uncategorized | No Comments

Well not for lack of trying, but my mother is still not dead, err mayhaps a reword:

Katrina (AKA: big bad bible thumping bitch with a bad attitude), decided to turn our own little modern day Saddam /Gomorrah into one big ol’ toilet for her fat ass.

Well New Orleans is to damn big to flush down any toilet I have ever seen. So the damn bowl got clogged. Causing high speed shit to start drifting all over the city (and no, I was not referring to the locals).

I mean a KILLER high speed shit storm is no way to go (especially if you have to go surrounded by southerners).

She could of at least plunged the damn bowl when she was done to clean up. The fact that she didn’t made it not just a coon-ass problem, but a world problem. Ya see she not only fuged up New Orleans, but also the Gulf. She put 95% of our Gulf oil refineries out of business (where we get at least 25% of our shiznit), and made our already nasty ass gas prices get worse.

Gas today cost 30 cents more than it did yesterday!!! I want the death penalty enacted for Katrina. Hell since it’s down south and they are still fighting the civil war (nobody told them they lost), perhaps they can just hang her.

That would solve a lot of problems, and would prevent people from having to shoot holes in their ceilings with shotguns to get to the roof (true story), to wait for a boat that can paddle through the floaters to pick them up.

Now, I admit my own mother was not in her right mind when she decided to move to an inbreeding colony, using weather as one of the reasons WHY. I mean it only took me an hour in the [below sea level] state of Louisiana to hate it. I can’t imagine actually living there. I mean yes, it would be somewhat quaint for a couple months to know you are the most intelligent person within a couple hundred miles of your home, but that would wear thin.

Well as far as her current status goes (lives in walker, north of baton rouge a ways), she still seems ok. Some of Katrina’s bad breath has made it’s way up there, but it has only caused my mom to acquire a few new trophies that have made way to her backyard.

Still, I am none to impressed….. These problems / disasters could have been averted or at least managed, but cajuns are the laziest SISFO’s (think mofo, only southern…. just think about it…. ) on the planet, so EVERYTHING takes longer in Lousiana.

Just lynch that fat biatch, and call a plumbert ya bloody coonass’~!

-A Yank

Is Your Mother Dead?

Sunday, August 28th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

So I get this paniced call from my father this afternoon. Now when he calls me I expect somebody to be sick, or dead. The conversation went something like this:
Dad: “Is your mother safe, has she evacuated the state yet?”
Me: “WTF are you talking about Dad?”
Dad: “There is a hurricane hitting Lousiana now, and they say it might destroy all of Lousiana!”
Me: “WHAT are you talking about?”
Dad: “If Your Mother hasn’t evacuated she will probably get killed”
Me: “You are exagerating, I’m sure she’s fine”
Dad: “You don’t Understand!”, “This is a class 5 Hurricane, they say it will probably flood all of New Orleans!”
Me: “Even if it does, she doesn’t live in New Orleans”
Dad: “(insert some smarter than me bullshit here)”
Me: “They get floods and hurricanes all the time, she’ll be fine”
Dad: “THIS IS A CLASS 5 (blah blah blah), you had better check on your mother right away”
Me: “(Humoring him at this point) Fine”
Dad: “(Insert some more paniced bullshit that i forget here)”
Me: “Fine, I’ll make sure she’s ok”
Dad: “Otherwise is everything going well?”
Me: “Yep”
Dad: “I hear from Grandma, who heard from Beth that you are really busy and things are going really fast for you”
Me: “Yep”
Dad: “So the job and everything is going well then?”
Me: “Yep”
Dad: “(Blah Blah Blah)”
Me: “Yep, look I gotta go, and don’t worry about it my mother is fine”
Dad: “(Blah Blah Blah) Ok, talk to you later, bye”

1 hour or so later, I call my Mother to tell her how concerned for her life Dad had been. My stepdad answered the phone and told me that they didn’t have any rain, or wind or anything. I talked to my Mom then and informed her of her impending doom. She said that people in her area weren’t leaving at all since they were not at all in the danger path.

Look, I know that Lousiana is below sea level, and that it was designed by idiots (see: Top Reasons 10 why I Hate Lousiana), and that weather is not completly predictable. However I think my father was really over reacting. I mean it’s great that he was actually concerned, but I am sick of getting these phone calls where he is freaking out about something.

I think he rehearses the lines he will tell me first to strike up the most panic or paranoia when I answer my phone. Like this one time when the first thing he said was “Are you somewhere private?, Can you call me back on a secure line?” (me) “Ah, no, What am I the fucking CIA???”

Anyways that is my excitement for today. I was going to make the oldest blog entries first, but I wanted the conversation to be still fresh in mind. I am going to bed now, and will probably fill in the rest sometime tomorrow, and perhaps even add a funny picture to this post ;)

UPDATE:
Still to lazy to make picture a physical picture, so I thought I would just design it in my head and insert it directly into your brain…… Here is a description:

(in the style of most of my original pictures) Katrina (AKA: Big mama hurricane, currently taking a dump on New Orleans) + Breaking Wind / Toilets & Taking Names (Bad Cajun Food / Garlic Bread at Local Dive) = My Mom (With a circle around her, and a line crossing her out)

Insert Missing Finger in Last Post

Saturday, August 27th, 2005 | Uncategorized | No Comments

So I talked to my friend Mark today. He reminded me of the best part of the concert the other night.

This guy and a blind woman in hysterics comes up to mark and me (no, this is not the start of a new line of jokes) and she’s freakin’ out… Once we started to understand her she was asking if her son was allright. She wanted to know how badly he was injured.

He had gotten hurt and was bleeding… a lot…. Ok well that tends to happen when people are missing part of their fingers. They were going to get him some medical attention, but it wasn’t helping to have his blind mother freaking out.

So she asked us how bad it was, and since he was saying he was fine that’s what we said… “Yeah, it’s just a little scrape…. no big deal…. but it probably wouldn’t hurt to get a bandaid on it”.

Ok SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, he wasn’t exactly fine, but it wasn’t spraying bad enough to get in my eye or anything. Spending time ranting and raving to strangers certainly wasn’t speeding up his getting medical attention.

Now it’s not that I reccomend lying to disadvantaged blind women while their sons are holding their own bloody fingers in their hands, but in this case with a majority vote we decided it was the best choice avaliable.

Work / Party / Concert / Party / Fire

Saturday, August 27th, 2005 | Uncategorized | No Comments

Long day, feel free to ignore whatever part of the day interests you least.

Work:
Went to work today, DAMN are Saturdays at a car lot busy. So busy that there really wasn’t anything for me to do since there was nobody to train me. I have my own desk now, so I decided to try to sit down and read the product fact book. However I was getting easily distracted and ended up just trying to listen to what the other salesman were saying.

Now me, by nature tend to just start talking to people, and as it were I kind of started talking to a customer. I wasn’t trying to sell him, just talk to him. Well he started asking me questions about the CRV, and well… Lets be honest, my product knowledge at this point is low, VERY LOW.

He wanted a fuel comparison from his current vehicle to the CRV, and also wanted to know if perhaps getting a civic and a toe for it would be cheaper still. I had to fess up to him that I had only been working there for such a short time that I did not yet have a nametag. I went to find him somebody to help him.

My boss just finished helping a customer so I asked him if he could help this guy, he said sure and asked me to move one of the vehicles back to the lot. After I moved the vehicle I came back in to see my boss helping a different customer! So I run back over to the customer and he asks If I found somebody to help him yet. Apparently not….

Fortunately another salesman was just finishing up. I felt bad about it though. I mean I never realized how much there is to learn to sell cars. I mean not only do I have to learn everything about the cars we sell, but as much as possible about everybody else’s cars.

Party:
Well technically, I didn’t really go to a party. At an earlier date I had told some people that I would go to their party. However I am not one to keep a schedule so I just told them to remind me a couple days before. They did, however a few days earlier than that I told my friend I would go to a concert with him.

Well not wanting to break either commitment, I decided to “detour” to the party before I met up with my friend to go to the concert. I was cutting time a bit to close for my friends comfort, but I felt it should be done.

Since I made it to the party before there was a party I just said hi and talked to the people there for a few minutes and then left (apparently taking the long way to my destination as I have been since informed). This was definitely the quickest I have ever partied in my life, but the result was the same.

Concert:
So we had to go to Milwaukee for the concert, I being an idiot forgot that the Marcus Amphitheater is actually located in Summer Fest grounds, which I know DAMN well how to get to. Not realizing that it was the same location we wrote down map quest directions and ended up not being observant missing an exit right after an exit, and had to back track a ways. Once we hit the real exit I knew exactly where we were and realized what an idiot I was knowing exactly where the amphitheater was now.

We were kind of stuck in 1 way traffic and saw a lot to park in for $5 that I knew was fairly close, until we got very close to the entrance and somebody took down the sign because the lot was filled ;( So we split the $10 in parking and went in.

We then bought ourselves 2 of the most expensive (locally brewed) plastic bottles of beers ever ($5 bucks, for 2 miller lites). I mean come on, the damn miller plant is just down the street… grr…

The concert lineup was: Breaking Benjamin, Staind, 3 Doors Down. Seemed kind of an odd mix to me, but wtf ya know. We went to find our seats which Mark said should be pretty good since he won them from a radio station. Well, they were in the bleachers, not really impressive, so much so that I managed to convince Mark NOT to kick the people who were already sitting in our seats out. I didn’t want to sit between them anyways, so we went back another 10 rows or so where there was a big open space.

Good thing to, as we could see the entire time. If we had sat in our actual seats we would not have been able to see from the people who had lined the walls where our actual seats were. This was not your typical concert however, as even during Staind; there was NOBODY moshing! Not even the front row. Weird.

Anyways after Staind we left, I mean yeah 3 Doors Down might have been good, but I was cold, hungry, tired and honestly didn’t really want to be there.

Party:
Ok so don’t get your hopes up, I lied again, technically I didn’t go to this party either (it just makes for a more impressive blog title this way) …

While I was eating my Hardees food (and driving through a McDonalds drive thru), I got a phone call asking me if I wanted to go to a party, way the fuk far away from where I was at the moment, but not to much further than where I was going.

I checked with Mark and he didn’t really want to, so we both decided the best thing to do was go back to his place and start a fire.

Fire:
We sat down and drank some more Miller Lite, this time not in Milwaukee, but it cost us only pennies on the dollars we spent at the concert. So a much better deal, for some crappy beer.

The fire was not our usual impressive spectacle that attracts attention from satellites in space, but just a relaxed time to cool off shindig. It really wasn’t even that late, but alas I am still not used to this getting up early in the morning crap!

All in all I’d say it was a pretty good night.

Blog on Vacation

Friday, August 26th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Ok, so at my worst I have dropped to 6 days behind, and always manage to rewrite posts for previous days. Tonight I had set aside time to write my back posts tonight, but damn it, I’m tired!

I will fill in previous posts either Sunday or Monday for sure, just know I’m just letting everybody know that I’m not dead or in jail (yet). I thought about filling this out at work during my lunch… I mean I don’t think they care what I do on my hour lunch, but their filtering system is pretty hardcore and my website is not on their essential list and is thereby locked out of the network.

So for a couple extra days lets just say the blog is on vacation, and you will have to entertain yourselves.

Now I am going to bed at 9:30 pm. This will be the first time that has happened in YEARS, but this getting up in the morning thing is a bitch!

Impressing My Boss’ Boss’ Boss

Wednesday, August 24th, 2005 | Uncategorized | No Comments

1st Day of new job… I go in and one of the managers says “ya know, there is this seminar just starting up right now, it’s technically on used car sales, but the guy is into all that mind stuff that you do, you would probably enjoy it”. So he walked me down to the Buick dealership and got them to let me into the already booked up class.

There were probably 100 people in this class, and not to many open seats but they sat me in this one guy’s spot who had stayed out on the sales floor that day. This spot happened to be directly in front of one of the company bigshots (which i didn’t know at the time).

After a ways into this class, the speaker Paul Webb is talking about NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), A subject to which I am very familliar. At one point Paul asked everybody “who here is really familliar with NLP or has had previous training in it?”, to which I was the ONLY person to raise my hand. Talk about being on the spot… Paul started asking me questions about what I knew, and books I had read etc.. I answered them and one of my responses mentioning Richard Bandler spawned him off onto a whole new story about how he had gone to one of Bandlers exclusive seminars in Europe. Then everytime he had some other question or point to make about NLP he would refer back to me or things I had brought up.

Well, this seemed like a good way to start a new career. Later that day a different sales manager was taking me around to show me the facilities and introduce me to a million people. One of them he tracked down to introduce me to was his Boss’ Boss, AKA “The Guy Who Was Sitting Behind Me At The Class”. Well he starts telling me how impressed he was with me already and how when Webb is gone, they will have to have me train the employees. Then he asks where I was from, and that place just happened to be where he had coached baseball for a long time a few years back etc…

Damn, I am thrilled shitless, I mean what a way to start a 1st day, getting in like flint my boss’ boss’ boss. Honestly though, he seemed to be a very nice, easy going kind of guy; which seems odd for somebody so high up on the scrotum poll.

It Never Happened

Monday, August 22nd, 2005 | Uncategorized | No Comments

This day never happened, I mean I thought it did but It didn’t. Seems a strange occurrence so I figured I should mention it in case anybody else happened to notice that they didn’t happen to notice anything at all on this day.

Of course I do not have anything to write for what happened today in history, because there is no damn history. Look it up, the day never happened, you just all think it did, but be honest… Can you actually remember what you did on this day? No…

Perhaps some dream like “I think this happened to me on this day” type of thing occurred the following day, but for the record (and I truly hate to burst your bubble) you are wrong, it never happened.

Elevator Action

Saturday, August 20th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Tired of being on an elevator and someone else gets on every floor you go down to? Well I was also, until I found out you could skip the floors that people would like to get on at. This works best in big office buildings with 30 floors and it sometimes takes like 15 minutes to get to floor 1.

Okay, the only thing you need to do is press down the close door button, and the floor you would like to go to at the same time.

Then it should skip all the floors that people want to get on and go straight to your floor that you would like to get off on. This can also piss some people off I would imagine. This trick has also worked on all the office elevators I have tried so far.

I find it works the easiest on:
Otis Elevators
Dover Elevators
And Most Desert Elevators

Yep Yep, Good Times

NUTS (revised)

Friday, August 19th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Ok so according to my server logs, most of you were not smart enough to try to click the damn link that said Nuts before, so I thought I would make it so damn obvious that even a meat-popsicle would even understand