Cock Gobbler 2.0

Wednesday, July 20th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

HAHAHAHAHA…. I was browsing through thesmartass site statistics today, and I noticed that there were a few funny keywords people actually came to my website from. All of the odd ones were from my blog, but this was the funniest:

That’s right, 9 people found my website by searching the phrase cock gobbler! !!!!!!!

Some other honorable mentions were:

I think it’s pretty funny, I have never submitted this site to search engines, so most of the traffic comes from word of mouth and referrals, but I do have keywords etc.. for the website, and things like nintendo, artwork, etc.. don’t seem to be the ones that have been getting me hits.

Hijacked News-Feed

Tuesday, July 19th, 2005 | Uncategorized | No Comments

Hmm, gotta say I didn’t expect to open my own website and see the wrong rss feed being displayed. Took me a bit to fix it as I had to write some php code for the aggregator instead of relying on somebody else’s website to do it for me (as I had been doing). In theory it should actually increase the speed of the website now that it’s 100% local content now.

Today went by quick. I seriously don’t know what I did today that took up so much time. I ran a few errands, watched a couple TV shows that I had missed from Sunday Night, and used the Nordic Track for exercise (it was the only thing that I could do with my sore muscles and burned skin), I am glad that I did it instead of just sitting around and making excuses as to why I couldn’t exercise.

Afterwards I took a quick shower and was going to go to the hot tub, but remembering the burning of the previous night I decided to exert caution and not use it. It took more willpower to NOT use the hot tub than you would imagine, but it should be a good lesson for me in restraint.

I noticed that my friend once again left his swimming suit here. Every time he has ever visited me since he moved out of State he has left his swimming suit here. You would think after doing it once or twice that you would make a conscious effort to remember.

I am planning to make a new section for my website appropriately titled: The Smart Ass. It would be a staple feature of the website and would contain all sorts of interesting articles on all sorts of odd stuff that people should / shouldn’t know. Problem is I keep thinking of to much stuff to put in this section, and am focusing on how long it would take me to put up a good quality version of the section.

I am considering trying to make it and then put the “1 new article a day” thing there. At one point I would of thought that to be an impossible task for a slacker like me, but I have managed to do just that for this blog, so now I want to “double my workload” on this website. I guess laziness or success can only be proved over time, so feel free to sit around and wait for changes.

Ya Gotta Love the Bikini

Monday, July 18th, 2005 | Uncategorized | No Comments

The modern bikini was invented by engineer Louis Reard in Paris in 1946 (introduced on July 5), and named after Bikini Atoll, the site of nuclear weapon tests in the Marshall Islands, on the reasoning that the burst of excitement it would cause would be like the atomic bomb.

Reard’s suit was a refinement of the work of Jacques Heim who, two months earlier, had introduced the “Atome” (named for its size) and advertised it as the world’s “smallest bathing suit”. Reard split the “atome” even smaller, but could not find a model who would dare to wear his design. He ended up hiring Micheline Bernardini, a nude dancer from the Casino de Paris, as his model.

Oh yeah… I am supposed to talk about what I did today. Can’t imagine how I got off on that tangent….

So today Dan and I woke up in our sealed tent (and I point out the sealed part since I was kind of confused as to why there were a bunch of big ‘daddy long legs’ inside our tent). To make the most of being in the area we decided to go to Noah’s Arc in Wisconsin Dells.

$30/a day per person to get into a water park, but I gotta say I can’t complain about the scenery there at all. See the beauty of that place is 1) Lots of girls running around in Bikini’s. 2) Lots of guys who look a lot worse than me are going without shirts, so by comparison I look like a superstar ;)

Most of the rides only took a minute or so of waiting to get on. However we did decide we needed to try the ones with long lines as well. Sitting in a long line filled with pretty girls and ugly guys gives one time to ponder the great mystery of the universe…. You know the old “Why do Chicks Dig Jerks” mystery.

The wait for Black Anaconda was definitely worth it, I even got to ride down with 2 pretty girls since they needed everybody seated in 3’s.

apparently I managed to get Sun Burned all over, despite having put a ton of SPF 45 lotion on. I mean doesn’t SPF 45 translate to: FUCK YOU SUN, YOU’RE NOT WELCOME HERE!!!!? I mean we were only at the park until 2:30 or so. Bah, oh well it will make me less of a pasty white computer guy.

From there it was to early to go home so we Went over to the local Casino, and proceeded to loose all the cash we had on us. I was doing pretty well at Black Jack, but didn’t know when to quit. At one point I had been up $30, but of course that didn’t last. I have heard of people who lost their shirts at a casino, but I only lost $17 and left there with all of my clothes still on, so it was no big deal.

For dinner we drove to Outback Steakhouse, since apparantly I had lost some bet about Natalie Portman appearing naked in Playboy, so I had to buy dinner. It was hoever extremely tasty, and worth the $8 tip I left for the meal.

Back at my place we kicked back in the driveway with some Brandy & Absinthe to cool down from the long day. To my surprise Paul was actually being somewhat nice and social with Dan around. I mean after telling me “I’m going to charge him rent to stay over”, and “He can sleep in the garage” etc.. I was impressed to see him not be an ass.

Once again ended the night in the trusty ol’ hot tub, but DAMN was it harsh sitting in it Sun Burned. I should probably think about investing in some more skin moisturizer so that I don’t end up peeling.

Near Death x2

Sunday, July 17th, 2005 | Uncategorized | No Comments

Today having my friend Dan visiting for a couple days we decided our time would be best spent at Devil’s Lake. Yes I know, I seem to go there once a week, but it’s one of Wisconsin’s few paradise spots.

It was bloody #$%^&*@ hot today, and we had to take my car (that has no A/C) since I am the only one with a State Park Pass. Well we were only about 5 miles or so from Devil’s Lake. I am driving and some guy in a nice convertible decides not to pay any attention to the road at ALL and just drives out in the middle of the road (I was driving perpendicular to him and going probably 50mph).

I see him and I slam on the breaks, but I am not sure if he is going to cross the street, backup or stay still, I mean at first he was going to cross so I veered my car to the left so he could get across, but then he stopped dead in the middle of the road so let off, and re-brake to pull it back to the right and I managed to stop my car without hitting his.

I look at the guy and his passengers and he just has an “oops look” and says “Sorry, my fault”. I guess I am glad to know my breaks work and that my reaction time is good when needed, but I did not expect my adrenaline to be pumping before I got to Devil’s Lake!!!

Well we get to the park and it’s Super Busy, but we had decided that we didn’t just want to be here for the day, we wanted to camp. So we waited the lines to get a camping site that was within walking distance of the North Shore.

It only cost me $8 for the night and it was a REALLY nice site. I mean parking, privacy, trails down the hill to the shore, clean bathroom, shower, plenty of room etc… I would highly recommend site 236 and surrounding area at Devil’s Lake for other campers.

We went down to the shore and decided to do some rock climbing. The water level has been really low lately and so there are a bunch of big rocks along the shore’s that normally are not dry, so we made our way down the path via rocks instead of the trail. After awhile we decided that we needed to boulder up to the top, so we started our way up.

Funny story, when your muscles are worn out from dancing the day before, and you don’t have any water supply to take with you, It’s probably not a good idea to climb a mile or so uphill. We got a ways up and the sun was killing us. I was sweating a lot, and was so thirsty and was really feeling the burn in my quads. However it was to late to go back down, so we kept going up to the top.

There was a fairly high cliff at the top and Dan didn’t think we could get up it so he went to look around for another way up. However I knew the only thing standing between me and water was another 40′. So while he was looking for a “reasonable” way to go up, I just started going up the scary cliffs. I slipped a couple times, but it was just due to pure exhaustion. I got to the top and crashed out on my back in the shade and waited for several minutes until Dan managed to get up.

At this point I was no longer sweating…. Because I was dehydrated, and my muscles were so sore that when we were walking a path down the mountain I could hardly hold my body up straight and when it went down kind of steep I would end up running forward until the path leveled out again.

We passed some guy who was carrying a huge cooler that you could hear ice and water splashing around it. I sucked up my pride and asked him if we could have a little bit. To my surprise he actually said “No, I didn’t bring this up here for you” and kept walking. I mean I know it’s not right to expect him to share, but it would be the courteous thing to do since there was no way he would drink all of that, ice and all.

We finally got to the bottom and found a water fountain and proceeded to suck it dry (well, we came close). Then still being hot we just decided to run into the lake to cool down. I am not a big fan of swimming in Lake’s, but I gotta say there were lots of pretty ladies in bikini’s hanging around the beach.

When we got sick of that we went back to the campsite (where I took a very cold shower) and setup the tent, then decided to go to Baraboo to buy supplies. I mean it’s not camping without a bigass fire, smores and beer. While at Wallmart I managed to rationalize buying a new lockback knife (as a camping expense of course).

When we got back to DL, we decided to just go and sit along the rocks on the shore for awhile and daydream. We didn’t get back to the site until probably 9 something, but it was still to damn hot outside, and I actually didn’t want to start the fire.

Now I am a fire-a-holic, so that will tell you how damn hot it was outside. At 10 or so I decided that it had cooled off enough that a fire would be good, and we just chilled out there for the rest of the night.

Wedding Crasher

Saturday, July 16th, 2005 | Uncategorized | No Comments

Well today my friend Dan came down from his hiding spot in Michigan. He had wanted to go to a wedding reception for one of his friends. I being ever-so-happy to go to a wedding reception I was not invited to, went along for the ride.

We got there and everybody was seated and eating dinner, so we decided to just hang outside until they were done eating and enjoy the free wine selection they had going. Well once everybody started coming out I discovered that I actually knew a few other people who were invited to this shindig, so I go to talking to them.

Then I got talking to some other people and before you know it, I had been dragged out onto the dance floor. I danced with a few girls tonight, but I wasn’t really attracted to any of them. Actually I probably had the most fun with a guy I knew in school’s mother, who decided that she really wanted to dance and her husband was not picking up on it (until I kind of hinted to him that he should).

Well Dan and I left the wedding empty handed, well except I did managed to get ’souvenir purple wine stains all over my white pants’. We briefly considered going to a strip club but decided just to drive back to my place instead. Despite being extremely tired from all the dancing we figured the hot tub was a necessicary evil.

As I always say, “All’s well that ends with a hot tub”.

Fo’ shizzle … o’ no’ fo’ shizzle?

Friday, July 15th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Don’t Like It? Ban It.

Friday, July 15th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 5 Comments

I was talking to my sister today and telling her how I finally managed to get the past 3 weeks worth of Penn & Teller’s Bullshit episodes. One of them had been perticularly hard to get since it was banned from being shown in certain states. Considering that the show airs late nights on Showtime, that seems like something that would be very hard to accomplish.

I still am not sure that it was banned but when i searched google for it I found countless pages claiming that the episode “Signs from Heaven” had been banned, as well as claims that the same thing happened with the episode “Holier Than Thou” was originally banned.

If they really were banned it bothers me, that this country has such a stick up it’s ass that going against popular religious belief’s can get things banned. Whatever happened to Free Speach, and the bloody 1st amendment? It’s always people who believe in a higher power that feel they can police everything. It’s the same people who invented bullshit terms like “Reverse Racism”.

My sister told me that in “banning” news, that a bunch of people were trying to get Harry Potter Books banned from Public Schools. This was almost unbelievable to me, but sure enough, I found a bunch of articles on it:
Should Schools Ban Harry Potter for Promoting Witchcraft?
Hating Harry?
Look Out, Harry Potter! — Book Banning Heats Up
Is Harry Potter Evil?
The Return of Harry Potter - Parenting in Need

I really am getting sick of this country’s high and mighty crap. I mean when my local airline tells me that they can stick me in jail for having chlorine, and throwing stars on me; you know it’s gone to far.

Here are some other books that have been banned in the past:

1. Scary Stories (Series) by Alvin Schwartz
2. Daddy’s Roommate by Michael Willhoite
3. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
4. The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
5. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
6. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
7. Harry Potter (Series) by J.K. Rowling
8. Forever by Judy Blume
9. Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
10. Alice (Series) by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
11. Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman
12. My Brother Sam is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier
13. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
14. The Giver by Lois Lowry
15. It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris
16. Goosebumps (Series) by R.L. Stine
17. A Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Newton Peck
18. The Color Purple by Alice Walker
19. Sex by Madonna
20. Earth’s Children (Series) by Jean M. Auel
21. The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
22. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle
23. Go Ask Alice by Anonymous
24. Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers
25. In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak
26. The Stupids (Series) by Harry Allard
27. The Witches by Roald Dahl
28. The New Joy of Gay Sex by Charles Silverstein
29. Anastasia Krupnik (Series) by Lois Lowry
30. The Goats by Brock Cole
31. Kaffir Boy by Mark Mathabane
32. Blubber by Judy Blume
33. Killing Mr. Griffin by Lois Duncan
34. Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam
35. We All Fall Down by Robert Cormier
36. Final Exit by Derek Humphry
37. The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
38. Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George
39. The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
40. What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Girls: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Daughters by Lynda Madaras
41. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
42. Beloved by Toni Morrison
43. The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton
44. The Pigman by Paul Zindel
45. Bumps in the Night by Harry Allard
46. Deenie by Judy Blume
47. Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
48. Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden
49. The Boy Who Lost His Face by Louis Sachar
50. Cross Your Fingers, Spit in Your Hat by Alvin Schwartz
51. A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein
52. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
53. Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by A.N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice)
54. Asking About Sex and Growing Up by Joanna Cole
55. Cujo by Stephen King
56. James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
57. The Anarchist Cookbook by William Powell
58. Boys and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
59. Ordinary People by Judith Guest
60. American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis
61. What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Boys: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Sons by Lynda Madaras
62. Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume
63. Crazy Lady by Jane Conly
64. Athletic Shorts by Chris Crutcher
65. Fade by Robert Cormier
66. Guess What? by Mem Fox
67. The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende
68. The Face on the Milk Carton by Caroline Cooney
69. Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
70. Lord of the Flies by William Golding
71. Native Son by Richard Wright
72. Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Fantasies by Nancy Friday
73. Curses, Hexes and Spells by Daniel Cohen
74. Jack by A.M. Homes
75. Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo A. Anaya
76. Where Did I Come From? by Peter Mayle
77. Carrie by Stephen King
78. Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume
79. On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer
80. Arizona Kid by Ron Koertge
81. Family Secrets by Norma Klein
82. Mommy Laid An Egg by Babette Cole
83. The Dead Zone by Stephen King
84. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
85. Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison
86. Always Running by Luis Rodriguez
87. Private Parts by Howard Stern
88. Where’s Waldo? by Martin Hanford
89. Summer of My German Soldier by Bette Greene
90. Little Black Sambo by Helen Bannerman
91. Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
92. Running Loose by Chris Crutcher
93. Sex Education by Jenny Davis
94. The Drowning of Stephen Jones by Bette Greene
95. Girls and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
96. How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell
97. View from the Cherry Tree by Willo Davis Roberts
98. The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Keatley Snyder
99. The Terrorist by Caroline Cooney
100. Jump Ship to Freedom by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier

“It’s not just the books under fire now that worry me. It is the books that will never be written. The books that will never be read. And all due to the fear of censorship. As always, young readers will be the real losers.” — Judy Blume

Ya know what. Read what you want, do what you want, say what you want, fuck who you want, and most of all believe what you want to believe. It’s your life, don’t let Self-Righteous assholes screw it up for you.

What the Hell am I Doing?

Thursday, July 14th, 2005 | Uncategorized | No Comments

Today:

Watched: Last 2 episodes of Fastlane, Episode 40 of Bleach, Episode 143 of Naruto, Educational program on Fear

Went to: Get a 1 hour deep tissue massage, War of the World Movie with Katie (good effects, but not worth $8.25 to see… just download a TelaSync and save yourself the money)

Listened To: A Bunch of (mostly 2005) Albums on Shuffle:
Aimee Mann - The Forgotten Arm
Alter Bridge - One Day Remains
Bad Astronaut - Acrophobe
Ben Lee - Awake Is The New Sleep
Butterfly Boucher - Flutterby
Crüxshadows - Fortress In Flames
Crüxshadows - The Mystery of the Whisper
Eva Cassidy - Time After Time
Jason Mraz - Wordplay EP
Joss Stone - Mind Body and Soul
Joss Stone - The Soul Sessions
Lucinda Williams - Live At The Fillmore
Nada Surf - The Weight Is A Gift
Richard Cheese - Id Like A Virgin
Richard Cheese - Aperitif For Destruction
Rob Thomas - Something to Be
Ryan Adams and the Cardinals - Cold Roses
Stereophonics - Various Covers
Wallflowers - Rebel Sweetheart

Also: Ate More Taco Pizza Than Any 1 Man Should, Sat in Hot Tub, Made the most beautiul discography release ever on Oink with album covers / biography / tracklists etc.., Read Chapter 2 of Kevin Mitnick’s - The Art of Deception (considered the world’s most famous hacker, after he was caught and sent to jail for a long time)

Foreign Exchange

Wednesday, July 13th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Wow, what a crock…. I mean I drove all the way to Hilldale today to try to exchange my inherited foreign currency. Originally I had gone to my own bank but they told me the only place in the County that does that was M&I in Hilldale.

I called them up first and described the money and was told that they could probably help me out and that I should come down. So I did.

Well the lady looks over the money and then tells me that none of my very nice looking currency is valid anymore. It is all out of print foreign money, and unlike us Americans who still accept money from 100 years ago anywhere, other Countries are not like that.

Basically I have a pre-war out of print foreign money collection. All the money is in mint condition but there is nowhere to sell it. I talked to a couple coin collectors. They told me that paper money was pretty much worthless no matter what a book that gives it a nice big value says since nobody really wants to buy it, and we all know that something is only worth what somebody is willing to pay for it.

I was also told that it would be hard to sell because not only is it paper, but that it was from so many different countries, you know maybe somebody would be interested in all the Chinese money I had, but they wouldn’t want the Argentina currency with it, etc…

I was hoping to make a quick buck on it, but alas that won’t work… So now I have a couple choices.

I can either A) Make a beautiful eBay page displaying the money, and make it a no-reserve auction that starts at .99 cents and hope that lots of collectors there will see it. I mean when you put something for no-reserve it tends to get lots of bids, especially if you pay a bunch extra to make it appear at the top of the page.

Or I can B) Just keep it, make some sort of display for it all and add it to my collection of high-brow taste items (like my old school beer glass collection). I was thinking if I spread it all out and bought a big piece of glass or something, it would make a nice looking one-of-a-kind coffee table…

For now the first option would require time, so I will not do that, and the second option if I choose to do it will require money and time, as I would want to make it into something really spectacular where you could still see through all that semi-transparent money to the floor / shelves below it, so I would have to make a table from scratch…

For now I am picking option C) It will just sit in a sealed bag collecting dust for the moment.

The Smart Ass Recommends!

Tuesday, July 12th, 2005 | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

I have been throwing a lot of “not recommended” things out lately, so today I thought I would recommend some of life’s finer things instead.

Torrents:
Fastlane TV (get it while I am still seeding it as the tracker doesn’t exist anymore [stupid mpaa])
Viva La Bam
Bleach (anime)
Naruto (anime)
Berserk (manga)
Pink Velvet: 1, 2, 3 (world’s best lesbian porn series)
Conjure One (ambient music)

Websites:
PSPUpdates
TitanTV
TorrentSpy
FreeFlatScreens
NewEgg

Daily:
Visiting The Smart Ass DOT Info
exercising
Showering
Water

In Moderation:
Absinthe
An Occasional Cuban Cigar
Reeses Candy Products
Blowing Shit Up

Other:
Cayenne Pepper
White Chocolate
NOT Wearing a Watch
Motorola Cell Phones (quickest text messaging system ever put on a cell phone)
Unemployment Checks
DVD Burner with Lightscribe Feature (allows you to etch pictures onto disks)
Dating Me (specific to non-depressed, non-drama queen ladies)
Sony PSP
Wearing a Tuxedo
Deep Tissue Massage
The Letter X (just makes everything cooler)
Rock Climbing / Bouldering
Ben Folds
E&J VSOP Brandy
Wasting Time
Taco Bell’s Crunch Wrap Supreme
Neil Gaiman Books
Sex (I would highly recommend it if you ever get a chance)
Being Sociable
1 Terabyte USB / Firewire Hard Drive (Surprisingly easy to fill up, I need another one if anybody is feeling generous since they are now only $949)

Please add your own recommendations to the comments!